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Happy Birthday Babygirl.

One year ago today I was so desperate.

One year ago today I was so hopeful.

One year ago today I knew I would be here.

One year ago today I had no idea how I would get here.

One year ago today I had faith that carried me through to today.

Today I am reminded of how far I have come in a year.

Today I am reminded of how lucky I am to be here.

Today I am reminded of how hard I have worked to get here.

Today I remember. Today I think. Today I reflect. Today I feel.

I feel proud of myself.

I feel excited about my future.

I feel hopeful about the achievement of my goals.

I feel successful.

I feel happy to be where I am.

I feel happy to be who I am.

I feel ready to leave certain things where they are.

I feel like I am alive and constantly living.

I am dancing and being me.

No need to explain. Thanks for the year.

 

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Walking along the Dublin seafront

How can you beat that^?! The photo honestly doesn’t even do it justice, but yesterday’s walk along the Clontarf seafront was so nice.

I was just itching to go out and do something yesterday. I’ve been feeling like I haven’t been using my free time to actually dooooo anything. So yesterday it all came to a head and finally a plan came into place!

We went for a walk, a really long nice walk, and this is what I saw!

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It was such a nice evening. And it is sooo nice to just sit and chat as well. The timing of the walk was fab because we got to witness the sunset which as you can see is gorgeous.

Being by the sea just clears my head. It feels almost instantaneous as well. If I could live anywhere in the world I wouldn’t care as long as it was within walking distance of a moving body of water. The air is different. It smells different and it feels different. It’s a place where you can go and release your thoughts and speak your peace and like the tide it just fades away.

And you just need to runnnn away and get the HECK out of there before it comes back in lol. :) seriously though, it is such a peaceful time to be walking along the sea and be near something so natural and beautiful and for the most part untouched.

That’s where the true beauty lives. In the raw materials. I feel like I can strip away all the superficial worries of my life and my day when I’m near the sea. And we can both be raw and beautiful together.

I love the sea. And I loooove living in a city where there is no shortage of the beautiful, raw, peaceful sea. Dublin- what a gorgeous place to live.

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Don’t settle… Chase after the rush.

So I read this article yesterday about why you should move five times in your life and how you should never stop chasing that uncomfortable feeling you have when you find yourself in a new experience.

It kind of reminds me of that movie … I can’t remember what it’s called but basically the guy was chasing an adrenaline rush and if he wasn’t running on one he would just die.

A part of you dies a little I think. When you’re not chasing something … What are you doing? Settling. That’s what I think…Just getting too comfortable. I can see where that article is right.

About routine… I am and I’m not into routine. It’s nice to have one, but also it’s nice to have new experiences and learn new things and do fun things that you’ve never done before!

I just feel like as I’m getting older I actually want to do and see more. I am trying to live like I can fly because I feel like I can (for now).It feels like a burning desire actually because I know that one day I will have less freedom and more dependencies.

So before that day comes I want to chase after the rush.

Remember remember… the 11th of September

I still remember it like it was yesterday. You know the way that people say that? When I was a kid I used to hear that phrase and think… what the heck does that even mean? That made no sense to me. Looking back on it now, though, it makes absolute perfect sense.

The memory of some things just gets burned into your brain and it feels so strong that you can remember what you wore,  what you could smell around you, what you were looking at around you, what you were touching, what you were doing when it happened and exactly how you felt when you heard the news. A plane has crashed into the Twin Towers.

It was second period. It was picture day… I had just gotten these disgusting warts frozen off of the bottom of my foot. My foot was wrapped up and it was SO sore. But I decided that since it was picture day, I would wear my heels anyway. These ugly, clunky big black heels that went perfectly with my Brittany Spears “Hit Me Baby One More Time” Inspired outfit (minus the pig tails). I wore them anyway and as I was suffering to walk up the stairs to second period, we got stopped in the hallway. All I could think was “hurry up my feet are killing me”. Then we heard the news. A plane has crashed into the Twin Towers.

I didn’t know what to think. My first thing was what is going to happen now? What do we do? Then I thought… we are so close to there, is everyone okay? People’s parents could have been hurt! My friends and other kids were dropping like flies that day- parents, babysitters, whomever was just picking them up from school and bringing them home. To be honest, we had no idea what was going to happen next and it was the kind of day that you just wanted to find everyone who you loved and keep them close to you. It was just an unbelievable feeling really… to be going about your day as usual (minus the stress of picture day) and then to hear that news. A plane has crashed into the Twin Towers.

So what did I do? Well my parents were both safe and my mom was in the same school as me at the time so she came up to tell me that everyone in my family was safe. I was SO lucky. So fortunate to have everyone who was close to me be safe and not have decided to go into New York that day. So then I started thinking about all of the other people who weren’t so lucky. And I just wanted to go and hug my mom for hours. I wanted to cry a little as well because I felt so sad for any of the other kids who might have lost their moms and/or dads to this horrible horrible day. What do you do when you hear that news? A plane has crashed into the Twin Towers.

I spent summers there as a kid. At least once a week my grandfather would take me to the Jazz concerts that they would hold right in the courtyard outside of the Twin Towers and I would run around dancing and listening to the music. I would occasionally (or often) stare at people’s outfits and especially jewelry to see what I thought about them. My grandfather’s girlfriend was very into jewelry so she got me into that habit. We would get hot dogs and sodas and just listen to the music. I would always spill ketchup or something on myself and I would just be happy anyway. The music was there and the towers were there, protecting me. Filling my summers with great memories. So when I heard the news… I realized that there would be no more Jazz concerts in the summer because a plane had crashed into the Twin Towers.

So that’s what is left of the towers for me. And how could I forget? How could I possibly forget. I remember it like it was yesterday.

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My mind is always reeling

Busy busy busy. I’m a busy bee. The routine is back! September is here and the routine is here to stay now.

And I’m thinking. My mind is reeling. Now I’m not sure if I’ve used that word correctly but it reminds me of a movie reel like they use in the theaters. It just keeps turning and turning slowly cranking away. That’s how I feel about my mind. Actually it’s like I have two minds.

I go through my busy days and do my tasks and try to focus as much as possible (I’m still working on that part). But in the back of my mind sits little (maybe not so little) mind number 2. And he (or she) is just workin’ away- he’s like a work horse!

So mind number 2 speaks up every once in a while. And sometimes he says intelligent things. Actually a lot of times he does. Tonight… I’m not so sure. Because I know he is being tempted by the temptress herself(Or himself)…

I’m thinkin’ about going back to my old ways but with a new outlook. I’m not sure if it’s a good idea but I said it out loud today so that kind of makes it real. An idea that I need to pay real attention to now ya know?

I also think mind 2 spends a lot of time thinking about my family because I have really hard days sometimes. Days where I miss them a tonnn. I think mind 2 is always thinking about it. Especially because every once in a while I cry. I just sit there and cry.

It’s sad and really hard. So I have to cry but it makes me wonder sometimes cuz it feels like it comes out of nowhere. Sneaky little mind.

Now this is also ironic because reel is the name of a dance in Irish Dancing. And anyone who knows me knows how obsessed I am with it. For those of you who don’t, the more you read the more you’ll know. So in that way my mind is always reeling because I’ve got dance on the brain nearly 24/7. My job just bareeeelyyyy distracts me enough so that I can focus on something else for a little.

It’s unbelievable. That’s why I love the movies. Because every now and again the girl needs a break from her mind.

And sometimes it all gets to be too much. Those are my quiet days. I am sooo in my head because there is too much to work out. And those days… Well those days are not fun for anyone. Not me nor the people around me who are close to me. We all pay for it because I just can’t seem to function properly till I sort it out.

There has been a lot of that in the past few years… Just quiet days and then some sort of resolution or plan. Sometimes it is a great big lightbulb moment and other times it’s just a… Well I’ll do that differently from now on.

The mind is a truly unbelievable thing. But it’s not the only thing. I we must all remember that.

Take time to focus on your body, on your soul, on your intuition. Keep them sharp so that your mind doesn’t take over. Ya dig?

It’s a work in progress.

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What do you want to get out of today?

Yesterday I had my second radio interview this summer. This time, it was about the company I work for. The interview was with a pretty popular Irish radio station. You can see the name up there if you really want to know what it is =)

It was a great experience for sure, I loved having a chat about what I’ve been doing Monday-Friday for the past 6 months. And like all things that happen in my life… whether I realize it or not… after the fact I find myself thinking about it and embellishing it or wondering more about it.

I thought about the interview this morning, as I was sharing the podcast on our company’s twitter, and I remembered what the waiting room in the station looked like. On the wall was the phrase “What do you want to get out of today?”

So of course I’m sitting here thinking about it and wondering, what exactly does that mean? What DO I want to get out of today? Or is it What do I WANT to get out of today? Or is it What do I want to GET out of today? Or is it What do I want to get out of TODAY?

Each one is a bit different and to be honest I think each one can apply to any of my days depending on the kind of day I am going to have. Sometimes I wake up and I know that I want to get something done that day. That is one kind of day I guess. And other days I wake up and I know that there are some things that I want to figure out that day. Other days I want to focus on just being in the moment and enjoying the day and some days its just about doing what ever I want and not having a plan. Every day is a blank canvas really. That to me is so exciting.

I am always getting excited at the thought of not knowing what could happen next. But that’s only because I have faith in myself that whatever it is that comes my way or that I decide to do, I will come out of it being a better me. Do you feel that way about yourself? That’s probably the way to get whatever it is that you want out of your “todays”. Every day doesn’t always have to be the best day ever, you just should make sure you get something out of it.

If you think about it, you always do. You just have to think about it.

I’ve been looking for you …

You’re sitting at a café when a stranger approaches you. This person asks what your name is, and, for some reason, you reply. The stranger nods, “I’ve been looking for you.” What happens next?

So I’m probably sitting down in a Starbucks having a PSL because it’s September, finally. Even though since I’m in Dublin now, I’d rather be sitting in Butlers or Bewley’s. SO! I am in one of the three anyway and I am enjoying my nice warm drink and my gorgeous scone with butter and jam, just minding my own business when this good looking stranger comes up to me. He or she asks my name and I reply- “Bianca Paige Smith.”

To which this stranger says, “I’ve been looking for you. I saw you perform on stage in Take the Floor this summer and you were absolutely amazing. We would love to have you be a part of this new show we are starting up. Would you be interested?”

To which this stranger says, “I’ve been looking for you. I heard you on the radio the other day and was absolutely taken by your voice. You have a great on-air presence and we would love to have to host our radio show. How about it?”

To which this stranger says, “I’ve been looking for you. I’ve been reading your blog and I think it is unbelievable. The blog is such a great read and I would love to offer to sponsor your blog. I’m hoping we might possibly discuss a book deal going forward.”

To which this stranger says, “I’ve been looking for you. I’ve just seen a video of the piece you directed a few months back. It was so well done. We are producing a new show and would love for you to be a part of the team. We’re looking for a creative director and we think you’d be perfect.”

My stranger is coming to me. I day dream about any of these moments all day everyday. But it’s because I know it will happen. One day soon I will achieve some sort of greatness in my world and then from there… I will be able to achieve greatness in the world at large. First, I will do for me and then, I will do for you.

I know it’s coming. My stranger is coming to me.

Inspired by The Daily Post