I don’t know what to call it I just want to write it.

I was wondering today – if I say I wonder instead of I think – then does it make it easier for me to put things out into the world?


Do you ever feel afraid to just say what you think? Question yourself like – well who am I to think that? How do I even know that? Can I actually share these things?

Stop. Stop and breathe.


Do you ever hear the voice inside of you that’s always saying the best things? Always sending you love always telling you that they are there for you making sure you know that they are supporting you all the way.


Sometimes I have to just ask for them to be there so that I can hear them myself. Not because they aren’t always there – (because they are always there), but because I can’t hear them unless I ASK.


Let’s try it…

Everything we experience is a reflection of everything that’s going on inside of ourselves.

I wonder… is everything we experience a reflection of everything that’s going on inside of ourselves?


So – what do you think? Do you believe it or not? When there is a war going on outside do you believe that it is a reflection of a war that’s going on inside? When people are gasping to breathe do you believe that inside of you there is something gasping for air?

When you look around and see people starving for food can you feel that there is something within you that is starving too?


We are all connected. The moment that something affects one of us it affects all of us. The moment something affects you it affects us all. The moment something affects me it affects us all.


I wonder about that… but really I know it’s true.

The wondering is just a human covering for what I know to be true within the depths of my soul. A graceful human covering that is actually a covering for thinking. Wondering feels better than thinking.


Thinking gets a bad rep.


I’ve tortured myself for thinking too much. But without my mind how can I have experienced all that I have?

I wonder what to do though with all of these things that cross by – the things that pass throughout the day. And it distresses me.

I’m learning, though, to let what passes simply pass. But now I’m left with what stays. And what stays wants to be heard.


Today I had an experience of not feeling heard. I know now – that I need to hear myself first. So that means I need to say … really say… what I need to say.


And not have to call it anything but just say it.

We are all connected. There is no doubt in my soul about that. So what goes on through my eyes is a reflection of what is trapping my soul.


Our humanity keeps us here. Our breath keeps us here. Our bodies keep us here. So what happens when we go?


The internal is released. My prayers have been about the wrong things and to the wrong places.


Returning to wonder is something that brings me joy. What about you?


Talk soon,



Invoking Joy

In the spirit of continuing to be in community whilst we must distance ourselves, I want to make sure that you all know how much we all deserve joy. I’ve asked the Universe, as always, to support me in this effort and I do believe that we are all deserving of joy. Joy is your superpower. Thank you for being here. Click the link below to listen. 

Invoking Joy Meditation Audio

Make yourself comfortable. Whether it’s finding a seat or lying down, find a way to feel comfortable in this moment to be still. Allow your eyelids to become heavy, you can fully close your eyes if you feel safe to do so. And just take a moment to check in with your breath.

Take a nice deep inhale, deeply inhaling down into the belly, filling the ribcage and the chest, and sighing everything out. Once again inhaling deeply into the belly, filling the ribs and then up to the chest and sigh it all out. Last time inhaling deep down into the belly, filling the ribcage, filling the chest and sighing everything out.

Allow your breath to take it’s own rhythm. And bring your attention to the top of your head.

Notice how the top of your head feels and track your awareness as your attention travels down through your body, slowly trickling down from the top of your head.

Down the skull, down the forehead, the eyebrows and the space in between the eyebrows,

the temples the ears the back of the skull the eyes, allow your eyes to sink back into your head.

Down the nose and the cheekbones, the lips the jaw the chin, down your neck to your collar bones

your shoulder blades, down your arms the upper arms the elbows the lower arms, the wrists.

Your hands the palms of your hands the backs of your hands, fingers and fingertips.

Back to the space of your chest, your mid-back down your spine to your lower back

across the front to your diaphragm and your stomach. Your lower belly and your sacrum,

your pelvis and your hips your thighs and your glutes, the backs of your thighs

down to your knees down your shins and your calves, to your ankles and your feet.

The soles of your feet the tops of your feet and your toes.

Allow yourself to be with the sensation and the awareness of your body. And take a moment with an invitation of gratitude for this body that you have.

In your minds eye, bring your attention to your heart as we allow the imagination to take us into a visualization for invoking joy.

Allow yourself to be at ease as you listen to these words as if they were your own.

In times of uncertainty and unknown, sometimes fear can take over. Sometimes guilt can arise over moments of happiness love and laughter. Sometimes we can feel like we need to stay low, be silent, somber and sad because we know there is suffering and unrest in the world. But we all deserve joy.


Joy is our birthright. And the best thing we can do for ourselves and our fellow humans is share our high frequency feelings into the world. We are always contributing energy, whether we are conscious of our contribution or not.


So now, I applaud you for being here and making the choice to reconnect with joy and send your high-frequency love out into the world. The world needs it and the world needs you. Let us breed joy together.



Feel into your heart. Imagine that in your heart is a beautiful gem. A diamond, a ruby, a looking glass, a snow globe, something that you can look into and see the truth.

Look into this gem in your heart and picture the face of someone you love.

See them smiling at you. With a warm, beautiful and loving smile. They are simply beaming at you. And they are looking at you almost as if to say “I love you so much and it brings me the deepest joy to be here with you.”

Take a few moments to be with them. Notice their smile and take it in. Allow how it makes you feel to fill you up with lightness and the energy of joy.

Now take a moment to step back and notice that you are actually in a room full of people who are all doing the same thing. Each of you with a loved one smiling and feeling the joy of being present with one another.

Your loved one turns to the person next to them and smiles.

You turn to the person next to you and you smile. And the cycle continues.

Before you know it the entire room of people has met with and shared joy through smiling with everyone.

You all come together again in a circle and take a moment to feel gratitude for how easily joy can be sparked and how contagiously it spreads.

In this moment you are guided by a deep knowing that reminds you that this is what you were made for. This is why you are here. To feel, express and spread joy. What a blessing you give to the world with your presence and your expression.

With a final breath of gratitude, you leave your friends and your loved ones behind knowing that you can all come together at any time to feel this joy. And you can reconnect to this joyful experience any time to raise your frequency and lift your vibration.

It matters that you are here. And it matters how you show up. Take one last look at the gem of your heart that allowed you to access your true joyful essence and capture this moment.

You carry this with you everywhere you go. Joy is your super power. Breathe into your heart and let joy carry you back into your day.

Thank you for being here. And for doing this for yourself and for the world.

I hope you know that this makes a huge impact and I hope that you, as you come back to your breath and to yourself, know that you are loved. And I love you. Thank you.


I am love.

With everything that is going on in the world, I feel compelled to use my privilege and good fortune to share. I want to contribute and I asked the Universe to help support me in this. I hope that it can offer something to whoever finds it. Thank you for being here. I love you. Click the link below to listen. 

I am love meditation

Find a comfortable seat, or feel free to lie down. Just take a moment to find a place where you can feel comfortable and safe to be still. You can close your eyes or allow your eyelids to become heavy.

Place one hand on your chest and the other on your belly.

On your next exhale, sigh all of the air out of your lungs and then begin again with the next breath taking a nice deep inhale into your belly, filling the rib cage, up to the chest and then sighing it all out.

Inhaling again into the belly, into the ribcage and the chest and sighing it all out.

Once again, inhaling deeply deeply into the belly, filing up the ribcage and the chest, pausing here for just a moment, and then sighing it all out.

Place your hands somewhere that feels comfortable for you where you can be still and bring your attention to the top of your head.


As you notice the top of your head, allow yourself to be with whatever you feel in your sensations right now.

Bring your attention down the top of your head to the back of your skull, to your face.

Your forehead, your eyebrows and the space in between your eyebrows,

your cheek bones, your nose the space above your lips, your lips and your jaw,

your chin the back of your head, the base of your skull,

your neck… down your neck to your collar bones, your shoulder blades, your upper back and chest,

down your arms your upper arms, elbows, lower arms, wrists, palms of the hands, fingers, fingertips.

Back to your chest, down to your stomach, your mid-back, your low back, your belly,

to your hips, hip joints, to your thighs, your glutes,

your knees, your lower legs, shins, to your ankles, to the tops of your feet, the soles of your feet, your toes.

Take a nice deep breath.


And notice what you can hear.

Perhaps you notice the most prominent sound around you. And then maybe the quietest or the least prominent sound that you can hear.

And whether your eyes are open or they’re closed, notice what you can see.

Notice what you can smell.

Notice what you can taste.

And notice what you can feel.


See if you can bring your attention to all five of your senses at once. And as you concentrate your attention and bring all of your attention to your present awareness of your senses,I want you to allow yourself to introduce the mantra:

I am love.

Shift your attention tot he repetition of this mantra and sit with this mantra for a few moments. Any time you notice your attention straying away or your thoughts shifting to something else, simply return back to the mantra, I am love.


I am love

I am love

As you continue to repeat this mantra, I want you to notice, a beautiful warm bright light shining down on you. Perhaps it feels like the rays of sun. A warm, beautiful white light shines down from the heavens.

And in it… through it… you can hear the voice of your higher self coming through.

And this voice is here to ease your mind and to allow you to feel okay with being here right now.

It brings you wisdom and in this wisdom it says:

We all contribute to the collective consciousness. Whether we actively participate, acknowledge it or otherwise, everything we are and all that we do is a contribution to the energetic frequency of our universe. In these uncertain times, we can take the invitation to turn inwards. When I look outside myself right now, my mind tries to think of all the things that are or could be going on. And when I do that, I feel helpless. Bordering on hopeless. It can be easy at times for me to get caught there in this low frequency place where fear can continue to thrive on me placing my energy into a stream of thoughts and consequent actions that feed off of that which I cannot control.

But now… I take control over what I can control. I can control myself. I can control my thoughts and my actions. I can choose in every moment to feel the best thing I can feel and thing that I can think in that moment. And this, I believe, contribute positive and loving energy from me out in to the world.



I am love. I am loved.

I am safe.

My present moment brings me closer to my soul.

I have control over my thoughts.

My thoughts contribute to the collective.

I choose the next best-feeling thought in each moment.

I choose to feel loved in this moment.

I acknowledge and honor how I feel right now and I am thankful for making the choice to listen to these words.

Choosing to prioritize my health and good feelings is the best thing I can do for the world right now.

Through these words I send and spread love.

I can control my present moment thought.

And in this present moment I think:

I am love. I am loved.

Through these words I send and spread love.

Take a few moments to bring yourself back to your breath. Allow your breath to invigorate your body.

Give yourself thanks for choosing to listen to these words and for choosing thoughts that contribute love to the world. As you continue to breath perhaps you allow your breath to deepen just a little bit.

And on your next exhale sighing all the air out of your lungs.

Placing one hand on your heart and one hand on your belly.

Take a nice deep inhale filling he belly the ribcage and the chest… and sighing it out.

Once again inhaling to fill the belly the ribcage and the chest and sighing it al out.

And for the third time, inhaling deeply, filling the belly, the ribcage an the chest with love and exhaling sending out love with each breath.


I want you to know that you are loved. And this is a wonderful thing that you are doing for the world by being here. Any time you need this as a resource come back and listen to this to remind yourself that you are love and you are loved and taking care of yourself is the best possible thing you can do for the world right now.


Thank you.

This meditation was created by me, channeled by my support from the Universe. Inspired by people who have inspired me and whom I have learned from, including Emily Torockio, Gabby Bernstein, Louise Hay along with many others. Thank you for being here with me. 

A woman’s worth… a human’s worth.

I listen to this song by Sabrina Claudio – it’s called As Long as Your Asleep…


She says – as long as your asleep, she’s not getting what you gave to me.

And it’s interesting to me – I love this song so much. I really feel it on a level that seems like a soul level. But now I also wonder – what does that mean – what are we when we are asleep? Do we have the same value?


I have been suckerpunched by some opportunities this month to examine what I think about myself. My own self-worth. I have been hit hard with them as if to say – YOU DON’T REALIZE YOUR WORTH.


People walk all over me. I’ve let people take everything from me in the past and these past few weeks I’ve realized how I let that happen in my career as well. So when there are people that I work with and for, sometimes I can get in a situation where I am taken advantage of, or rejected.


It feels absolutely horrible. Like actually sickening in my body. And so then when I feel that way and I realize why – the first thing I want to do is GET OUT. I want to run away I want out. I need to get out of this situation it’s horrible, I’m too good for this I don’t deserve this how could they do this to me etc etc.

Well I chose to be here. So now I realize – I can’t just get out NOW. But I can get out.


I can change my perspective. I can draw my roots deeper and allow myself to express and shine my light to let my branches lift up towards the sky and to say to myself:

Bianca, I love you. You are invaluable. You, as a part of the human race, are needed in this world. Please take the time to go through this situation completely and with integrity. Speak up for yourself with ease, knowing that you understand on a soul level, exactly how you want to be treated and all that you are worth.


And so there… I can no longer run away. Because I have to go through this so that I can get out.

I am sure now, never been more sure… that I never want to be put in situations with people like this again where I let myself take it in. And I allow myself to be treated in a way that I look back and realize is unfair. I don’t want to be working in hindsight with these situations anymore.


I also realize it’s not fair on myself or the universe to say I never want to meet people like this anymore. It’s not about people. It’s about me. All of us beautiful human beings are doing our best. We are doing what we know. Maybe it’s not our potential best, but it is what we know. How many of us take the time to question what we’ve always known? I feel as though I’ve only just begun to do that. I wonder if some people never will and maybe some people are born already aware that they know.


Because we all know how to be experts of ourselves. We know it.

So it’s been a journey for me of self-discovery in my own way. Which has meant a few hard knocks at times to be honest. Especially recently. And it’s so funny because sometimes I think of what it must look like on the outside. Well that is a damn disaster to do that to myself. Because when I do that I feel like I give myself an excuse to stay suffering inside and say to myself that it’s really not that bad.


But here is the thing – it doesn’t matter. If it FEELS BAD THEN IT IS BAD. If it feels bad. Then it is bad. Trust that. Something needs to be attended to. I feel like if I feel bad then there is a reason for that. It doesn’t matter if I was the richest person in the world with the most lavish amazing beautiful life style – if I felt bad on the inside – I hope I would listen.


So as I begin to truly develop the life I want to have (everything up to this point has been preparing me for this I believe) – well as I begin to develop this life through shifting my perspective and gathering evidence to keep me reminded of my worth and my deservingness – I realize that what’s on the inside is what matters first. If I can develop my skill in listening to that – I can allow myself to be guided without the stress and the confusion of wondering about all the different possibilities.


I can see 1,000,000 possibilities in every situation. I love that about myself. But without the listening to me and knowing my worth and my inherent value – I get caught up in examining too many of those possibilities. Anxiety comes out of that. No bueno.

So – my New Years Resolution has come in handy about 1,000,000 times itself – wanna know what it is?


S T O P.



To stop. Stop chasing things, stop doing things, stop talking, stop stop stop. I can’t even explain how many times this has come up for me.

I have to create from the inside. That is where creation lives. Think about how a baby is born – it’s not created on the outside of the human body. So how can I expect that by changing everything around me on the outside that I’ll create the life I want?

It doesn’t seem to be working that way. But what issss working is this – listening to what’s inside and using that to guide my process of augmenting what’s around me and welcoming new things while saying goodbye to things that no longer serve.

The purging has been real. But STOP comes in now – when there are voids, there are spaces now from what’s left. And until they can be filled with the waterfall of self-love, self-worth, abundance peace and joy – I work to keep them open and remind myself that I will fill them not with what was already in there previously, but with what was always there from the moment I was born.


Talk soon,


Like love.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I have to grow. Sometimes I don’t but I think actually I still do but in that moment I’m okay with it.

There is a difference between being uncomfortable and feeling uncomfortable I think.

Feeling uncomfortable seems to come with some sort of realization – or even some judgement.


I don’t know really but I just wonder about words. I wonder about words all the time. Because I Love them. I love words a lot and I really love that we can use just one to mean a whole huge thing.

Like love.

Yesterday I visited my great grandmother and I finally, for the first time in my life I’d say – had a conscious realization of how nice it was that I let myself go there to simply relax. With no agenda, no time frame, nothing to do or be or say. Nothing to protect myself from. We had reached a point where we could just enjoy each other’s company.


I sat there while she recited story after story – chronologically so – it was so amazing to hear all of the things she had inside of her. The things she had lived. I was really affected by that. So much so that half way through her story I wanted so badly to take out my phone and voice record her so that I could keep it forever. I think next time I will.

I hope there will be a next time. I have to make more time for her. I told myself this. It doesn’t feel easy but it’s not easy because there are blocks inside of me that I’ve been living with. Blocks that have created a wall – I thought the wall was keeping everyone else out but it was actually keeping me in.


I sat there yesterday in awe of her. My mama. Mi Reina – my queen. That’s what I call her. The bond between us is something I don’t know if I will ever know again. But what I really hope, is that one day I might be able to offer someone in my family the feeling that she gives to me.

I didn’t let myself, but I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly like I am crying now as I type this because I don’t want there to be a day without her. I just DONT. I Just don’t. And she is 93 today. So I get to that point. Sometimes I get anxiety in the middle of the night that she’s gone. And I didn’t know.


There will be a day … where that will happen. And yesterday, as I was cherishing every single second with her, I couldn’t help but want to scream and cry and yell out loud – because I keep trying to understand death.

It’s not something we can ever understand … is it.

No. I know that. But I can’t help myself and I am so overwhelmed recently. Since Uncle Tommy died I find myself wondering about it all the time. What happens when people go? Where do they go?


And then I have these moments – with special people in my life and I finally realize and let my heart crack open to HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM. And then it makes me so sad. Someday I will be without them.

Someday people will be without me. I don’t know what to do about this.

What do you do?

I have to let myself love them. And let them love me.


But I can’t give over to it all …. or can I ?


I sometimes wonder if I suffer more from not giving in or if I will suffer more from giving in. This is why I haven’t given in yet. Because what if it’s worse?


I constantly worry that I’m not doing enough, not doing what I should be, not fulfilling someone’s expectations of me.

But I don’t ask, I don’t check in, I don’t allow myself to give in to the curiosity. I just keep doing and doing and doing.




Things come out when you stop. They start moving when you stop looking. Hide and seek.

I started writing poems. I love them. They drool from my fingertips like vanilla ice cream on a hot day. They melt.

Spilling out onto the page. I always write them by hand. It’s so much better. I wonder if I will be able to write an entire book by hand. That is what they used to do.


Mama told me yesterday – that when she was 25 she moved with my grandmother and great uncle, back to NYC where her parents were living at the time. She was unwell for a while but when she regained her health and strength what happened next blew me away.


A friend of hers came to her and said okay Angelita, now that you are well…it’s time for you to get a job I am going to take you to go get one. Her father gave her $10 and she went to go BUY A JOB. SHE BOUGHT A JOB FOR $10.




So this year, in the spirit of Mi Reina, universe I’d like to buy my dream job and life please. Will $10 still suffice?

Happy 2020 everyone.


Talk soon,