A woman’s worth… a human’s worth.

I listen to this song by Sabrina Claudio – it’s called As Long as Your Asleep…

 

She says – as long as your asleep, she’s not getting what you gave to me.

And it’s interesting to me – I love this song so much. I really feel it on a level that seems like a soul level. But now I also wonder – what does that mean – what are we when we are asleep? Do we have the same value?

 

I have been suckerpunched by some opportunities this month to examine what I think about myself. My own self-worth. I have been hit hard with them as if to say – YOU DON’T REALIZE YOUR WORTH.

 

People walk all over me. I’ve let people take everything from me in the past and these past few weeks I’ve realized how I let that happen in my career as well. So when there are people that I work with and for, sometimes I can get in a situation where I am taken advantage of, or rejected.

 

It feels absolutely horrible. Like actually sickening in my body. And so then when I feel that way and I realize why – the first thing I want to do is GET OUT. I want to run away I want out. I need to get out of this situation it’s horrible, I’m too good for this I don’t deserve this how could they do this to me etc etc.

Well I chose to be here. So now I realize – I can’t just get out NOW. But I can get out.

 

I can change my perspective. I can draw my roots deeper and allow myself to express and shine my light to let my branches lift up towards the sky and to say to myself:

Bianca, I love you. You are invaluable. You, as a part of the human race, are needed in this world. Please take the time to go through this situation completely and with integrity. Speak up for yourself with ease, knowing that you understand on a soul level, exactly how you want to be treated and all that you are worth.

 

And so there… I can no longer run away. Because I have to go through this so that I can get out.

I am sure now, never been more sure… that I never want to be put in situations with people like this again where I let myself take it in. And I allow myself to be treated in a way that I look back and realize is unfair. I don’t want to be working in hindsight with these situations anymore.

 

I also realize it’s not fair on myself or the universe to say I never want to meet people like this anymore. It’s not about people. It’s about me. All of us beautiful human beings are doing our best. We are doing what we know. Maybe it’s not our potential best, but it is what we know. How many of us take the time to question what we’ve always known? I feel as though I’ve only just begun to do that. I wonder if some people never will and maybe some people are born already aware that they know.

 

Because we all know how to be experts of ourselves. We know it.

So it’s been a journey for me of self-discovery in my own way. Which has meant a few hard knocks at times to be honest. Especially recently. And it’s so funny because sometimes I think of what it must look like on the outside. Well that is a damn disaster to do that to myself. Because when I do that I feel like I give myself an excuse to stay suffering inside and say to myself that it’s really not that bad.

 

But here is the thing – it doesn’t matter. If it FEELS BAD THEN IT IS BAD. If it feels bad. Then it is bad. Trust that. Something needs to be attended to. I feel like if I feel bad then there is a reason for that. It doesn’t matter if I was the richest person in the world with the most lavish amazing beautiful life style – if I felt bad on the inside – I hope I would listen.

 

So as I begin to truly develop the life I want to have (everything up to this point has been preparing me for this I believe) – well as I begin to develop this life through shifting my perspective and gathering evidence to keep me reminded of my worth and my deservingness – I realize that what’s on the inside is what matters first. If I can develop my skill in listening to that – I can allow myself to be guided without the stress and the confusion of wondering about all the different possibilities.

 

I can see 1,000,000 possibilities in every situation. I love that about myself. But without the listening to me and knowing my worth and my inherent value – I get caught up in examining too many of those possibilities. Anxiety comes out of that. No bueno.

So – my New Years Resolution has come in handy about 1,000,000 times itself – wanna know what it is?

 

S T O P.

Stop.

 

To stop. Stop chasing things, stop doing things, stop talking, stop stop stop. I can’t even explain how many times this has come up for me.

I have to create from the inside. That is where creation lives. Think about how a baby is born – it’s not created on the outside of the human body. So how can I expect that by changing everything around me on the outside that I’ll create the life I want?

It doesn’t seem to be working that way. But what issss working is this – listening to what’s inside and using that to guide my process of augmenting what’s around me and welcoming new things while saying goodbye to things that no longer serve.

The purging has been real. But STOP comes in now – when there are voids, there are spaces now from what’s left. And until they can be filled with the waterfall of self-love, self-worth, abundance peace and joy – I work to keep them open and remind myself that I will fill them not with what was already in there previously, but with what was always there from the moment I was born.

 

Talk soon,

B-

Like love.

I sometimes feel uncomfortable when I have to grow. Sometimes I don’t but I think actually I still do but in that moment I’m okay with it.

There is a difference between being uncomfortable and feeling uncomfortable I think.

Feeling uncomfortable seems to come with some sort of realization – or even some judgement.

 

I don’t know really but I just wonder about words. I wonder about words all the time. Because I Love them. I love words a lot and I really love that we can use just one to mean a whole huge thing.

Like love.

Yesterday I visited my great grandmother and I finally, for the first time in my life I’d say – had a conscious realization of how nice it was that I let myself go there to simply relax. With no agenda, no time frame, nothing to do or be or say. Nothing to protect myself from. We had reached a point where we could just enjoy each other’s company.

 

I sat there while she recited story after story – chronologically so – it was so amazing to hear all of the things she had inside of her. The things she had lived. I was really affected by that. So much so that half way through her story I wanted so badly to take out my phone and voice record her so that I could keep it forever. I think next time I will.

I hope there will be a next time. I have to make more time for her. I told myself this. It doesn’t feel easy but it’s not easy because there are blocks inside of me that I’ve been living with. Blocks that have created a wall – I thought the wall was keeping everyone else out but it was actually keeping me in.

 

I sat there yesterday in awe of her. My mama. Mi Reina – my queen. That’s what I call her. The bond between us is something I don’t know if I will ever know again. But what I really hope, is that one day I might be able to offer someone in my family the feeling that she gives to me.

I didn’t let myself, but I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so badly like I am crying now as I type this because I don’t want there to be a day without her. I just DONT. I Just don’t. And she is 93 today. So I get to that point. Sometimes I get anxiety in the middle of the night that she’s gone. And I didn’t know.

 

There will be a day … where that will happen. And yesterday, as I was cherishing every single second with her, I couldn’t help but want to scream and cry and yell out loud – because I keep trying to understand death.

It’s not something we can ever understand … is it.

No. I know that. But I can’t help myself and I am so overwhelmed recently. Since Uncle Tommy died I find myself wondering about it all the time. What happens when people go? Where do they go?

 

And then I have these moments – with special people in my life and I finally realize and let my heart crack open to HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM. And then it makes me so sad. Someday I will be without them.

Someday people will be without me. I don’t know what to do about this.

What do you do?

I have to let myself love them. And let them love me.

 

But I can’t give over to it all …. or can I ?

 

I sometimes wonder if I suffer more from not giving in or if I will suffer more from giving in. This is why I haven’t given in yet. Because what if it’s worse?

 

I constantly worry that I’m not doing enough, not doing what I should be, not fulfilling someone’s expectations of me.

But I don’t ask, I don’t check in, I don’t allow myself to give in to the curiosity. I just keep doing and doing and doing.

 

STOP.

 

Things come out when you stop. They start moving when you stop looking. Hide and seek.

I started writing poems. I love them. They drool from my fingertips like vanilla ice cream on a hot day. They melt.

Spilling out onto the page. I always write them by hand. It’s so much better. I wonder if I will be able to write an entire book by hand. That is what they used to do.

 

Mama told me yesterday – that when she was 25 she moved with my grandmother and great uncle, back to NYC where her parents were living at the time. She was unwell for a while but when she regained her health and strength what happened next blew me away.

 

A friend of hers came to her and said okay Angelita, now that you are well…it’s time for you to get a job I am going to take you to go get one. Her father gave her $10 and she went to go BUY A JOB. SHE BOUGHT A JOB FOR $10.

 

Amazing.

 

So this year, in the spirit of Mi Reina, universe I’d like to buy my dream job and life please. Will $10 still suffice?

Happy 2020 everyone.

 

Talk soon,

B-

 

Birthday Wish

So every year on my birthday I take the whole day off from social media. I’ve done it as long as I can remember. Some people know this about me already. I like to take the whole day away from it so that on the 7th I can read through all of my birthday messages and smile (usually cry as well haha!) with delight and gratitude for the love that has come my way for my special day.
 
Normally I just disappear and don’t say anything till the 7th when I come on and thank everyone for their messages. I will still do that, but this year I’d like to try something a little bit different.
 
Facebook asked me if there was a charity that I’d like to set up a donation fund for, in honor of my birthday. I think that is an amazing thing and I think charitable giving and philanthropy makes a huge difference in this world.
 
I’m scared to write this right now because I don’t want to taint my gratitude for my birthday season by asking people to be generous, because I’ve never asked before and I’ve always received such tremendous generosity. But I am going to ask because this year, what I’d really like for my birthday, is for you all, if you feel so inclined, to support the organization of my choice – Two Can Do. This creation means more to me than words have allowed me to describe.
 
And this year, we did something that I never knew was in the cards for me, we went on tour and sold out two shows. We had a gala where we raised all of the funds I needed in order to cover expenses for this tour. The support that came from the depths and breadth of my community was completely overwhelming to me.
 
I feel so empowered to believe that what I am doing with Two Can Do is what I am supposed to be doing.
 
Speaking, writing, from the heart – I have always found it damn hard to figure out why the heck I am here. And I still feel like I am in search, a pretty deep search, for what my aspirations are and how to act on them.
 
But I do know that every single time I step into the studio with Eimear Byrne and we are in the world of Two Can Do, I feel alive. I feel present. I feel compelled in the present moment. I feel like I know exactly what I am doing though I don’t actually know ANYTHING about what I am going to do until I do it.
 
To me that is humanity. To me that is the point. That is the human journey – to be present, to accept, to trust that all will be revealed. I want to continue to share this work and I am working damn hard to make sure that I can sustain it financially.
 
I invest every penny that I can into Two Can Do. And thanks to all of the generosity back in the summer, we did it. We toured.
 
Next year – I want to take the newly developed SUPPORT workshops to schools, to community centers, to senior centers, anywhere where there are people who can benefit from human connection.
 
Next year – I want to continue to grow the team, to be able to hire these passionate people on a consistent basis and to care for them and give them what they deserve.
 
Next year – I want to take Two Can Do to international arts festivals and fringe festivals.
 
Next year – I want to start planning a European Tour of this incredible experience so that we can take one step closer to the vision in my head which is huge.
 
I used to think I was a big fat daydreamer. I know now that this was the beginnings of my vision. I am a visionary. And as I complete this return around the sun and prepare for a new one, I couldn’t be more grateful to be alive and for my life. I couldn’t be more excited to continue to work on my relationship with money and abundance so that I can continue to invest in myself and my work…and show the universe that I know and understand that I deserve this support. And I am looking forward to listening deeper, loving harder and laughing ALL THE TIME. Plus some hugs and kisses and jumping and flowers (all the faves).
 
My intention for this new year: Liberation through acceptance.
 
Friends, family, colleagues – for my birthday this year, every dollar will surely go a long way, to supporting me in reaching the huge vision that lies within my heart. https://fundraising.fracturedatlas.org/two-can-do
 
Thank you in advance for the birthday love and the TCD support. Any and all of it warms my heart and reminds me how damn grateful and lucky I am to be here right now.
 
See you all on the 7th. I’m on bday hiatus now =)
Talk soon
B-

Mom, I love you.

For as long as I can remember, writing always felt like a really natural and authentic way for me to express myself. I write when I am happy, sad, upset, struggling, joyful, celebrating – I feel that the words come to me to express it all.

Recently I’ve been debating about where the words come from – the heart or the head. Working on that… if anyone has a suggestion or an opinion let me know. And also which is better?

I’ve been scorning my mind lately a bit because it seems I have realized I’ve been neglecting my heart.

But I want to share a piece of my heart with you now.

See that woman in the photo up there? That’s my momma.

She is a human being of stellar strength, tremendous emotional capacity and the most BEAUTIFUL amazing laugh I have EVER heard in my life. She laughs A LOT. I am soooooo grateful for that.

Because you see, though she is stunning and youthful and healthy and joyous and full of laughter – she has been through a tremendous amount of suffering, trauma and mistreatment, lack of emotional support, dishonesty and at times brutality.

I feel that I want to take this moment to honor EVERYTHING she is, because she is amazing, whole, unique, intelligent and she is surviving through some of the toughest things that I can think of for a human being to face in this life we live.

Without sharing too much, because it is not my story to tell … I will just say that all that I admire about this amazing woman:

Mom,

I admire so much how you adapt to new situations and learn new things.

I admire your hunger and desire to learn and to be better.

I admire how you make decisions and stick to them. I also admire how you are starting to allow yourself to change your mind.

I admire how you continue to laugh through all of the crazy things that are going on.

I admire how you chase after things that bring simple pleasures into your life, even if it means the Hallmark Channel LOL.

I admire how fiercely you love us all.

I admire how fiercely you love and protect. People need to understand that. You LOVE.

I admire how you laugh your head off when you realize that you said something completely ridiculous. You are able to laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously, that’s what that tells me. What a blessing to be able to learn that through your experience.

I admire the way you speak your truth. Consistently. Constantly.

I admire the way you tell people your intentions – you want to SUPPORT PEOPLE. To LIFT THEM UP. I see this. I feel it. Everyone who is in your circle should see it and feel it too and if they don’t it is THEIR LENS not yours that is blurry.

I admire the way you continue to be excellent and pursue excellence in your career.

I admire the way you are able to admit when you don’t know something (even though you may have a hard time admitting when you FORGET things haha!!!)

I admire the way you intend to support and accept me no matter how I act, who I am or what I do. And yes, I admire when you share your opinions about if you think any of those things are nuts lol we are all entitled to our opinion.

 

I feel the need to write this publicly because I feel like it’s time that I call it out. To myself, to everyone who reads this, to the Universe, that I SEE YOU.

I have witnessed and been a part of many things that have impacted your life now. I have seen people say things to you that no one should say to another human being. I have witnessed the impact of people’s dishonesty, hurtful actions and avoidance. I have witnessed you experience the loss of your little brother and the process of helping to support his family through this tragedy.

And in my opinion … knowing you my whole life … I can honestly say that I couldn’t be happier to see you every day, still healthy, here doing your thing. I know you are making your way through the challenges that your life brings and I am damn proud of you ma. And I have your back. I support you. I love you.

You are honestly one of the most amazing people. I know my soul chose you to be my momma and I’m still figuring out all the reasons why, but the thing that makes me the happiest is seeing you have a good life and feel good. I know it doesn’t always feel like things are good, but you deserve the best and it’s been amazing watching you claim that in your own ways.

I love you,

 

B-

The biggest leap of faith…

So here I am… at the airport … waiting till the last possible moment to give birth to this damn post lol because it carries so much weight – why it does it feel like the weight of the world is in one little phrase?

Well heres what Im figuring out – when the phrase is this-

Thank you.

I’m so grateful.

When it’s this and it comes from a place where you have to justify it – this is what happens when I start to realize how FREAKING happy I am and how excited I feel to be waiting to get on the plane to Ireland now, thinking about how I got to this point and the support of all of the beautiful people who have been a part of this journey so far.

Its one of those moments where there are no words… but actually…. there are.

No words in my head that can suffice to describe what I feel because what I feel is in my heart.

Oh man everyone I cant even believe that this is about to happen – this journey is finally here and Two Can Do is going on tour. I am going on tour. I did this and I am doing this. Sometimes it feels like I could laugh about it all because I never could have predicted that I would be doing this now. When I first flew to Ireland 7.5 years ago I had no idea that my life would be forever changed by a place that lit my heart ablaze with a spark of spirit that I didn’t even know I had yet somehow felt like I was meeting myself again. That spirit has lit a fire in me that burns so brightly to this day because it brought me here. To claiming my identity as an artist. To sharing my vision and committing to it. To asking for help, and to receiving it in heaps. I kept saying to myself – I cannot believe it. But now as I sit here, waiting to get on the plane and waiting for it to hit me that this is really happening I realize – wait- its been here this whole time. All I had to do was believe it. What does that take? Well I know I have to get there myself but honestly what has helped me beyond measure is seeing the belief in me that has come from others through supportive messages, emails, hugs, donations, reviews, and supportive energy that is allowing me to see myself reflected in others. The more I believe, the more I see how much others also believe. Thank you soo much everyone for allowing me to see myself in you. There’s just one more thing I want to share with you:

Walking in the dark has never felt more right in my entire life, thank you all for the flashlights, torches, lighters and neon signs along the way.

And thank you… infinitely for being by my side while I took the journey to realize that my phone has a flashlight too… and accept the blessing that the light to lead the way to the next step comes from me… And you could all see it. Thank you for being patient with me and supporting me while I learn to accept that I can see it for myself. Now I am… we are… unstoppable.

Thank you all so much for being there. Here we are at the beginning of this next chapter. Cannot wait to share all of the news and excitement with you.

So these words… are just it. Thank you all so much. I feel like I won the lotto. I am a millionaire

We only need 635.31 dollars to cover our expenses- it’s amazing. And I have full belief that we will achieve that.

If you would like to contribute to the last stretch please visit our fractured atlas page.

Talk soon,

B-