Mom, I love you.

For as long as I can remember, writing always felt like a really natural and authentic way for me to express myself. I write when I am happy, sad, upset, struggling, joyful, celebrating – I feel that the words come to me to express it all.

Recently I’ve been debating about where the words come from – the heart or the head. Working on that… if anyone has a suggestion or an opinion let me know. And also which is better?

I’ve been scorning my mind lately a bit because it seems I have realized I’ve been neglecting my heart.

But I want to share a piece of my heart with you now.

See that woman in the photo up there? That’s my momma.

She is a human being of stellar strength, tremendous emotional capacity and the most BEAUTIFUL amazing laugh I have EVER heard in my life. She laughs A LOT. I am soooooo grateful for that.

Because you see, though she is stunning and youthful and healthy and joyous and full of laughter – she has been through a tremendous amount of suffering, trauma and mistreatment, lack of emotional support, dishonesty and at times brutality.

I feel that I want to take this moment to honor EVERYTHING she is, because she is amazing, whole, unique, intelligent and she is surviving through some of the toughest things that I can think of for a human being to face in this life we live.

Without sharing too much, because it is not my story to tell … I will just say that all that I admire about this amazing woman:

Mom,

I admire so much how you adapt to new situations and learn new things.

I admire your hunger and desire to learn and to be better.

I admire how you make decisions and stick to them. I also admire how you are starting to allow yourself to change your mind.

I admire how you continue to laugh through all of the crazy things that are going on.

I admire how you chase after things that bring simple pleasures into your life, even if it means the Hallmark Channel LOL.

I admire how fiercely you love us all.

I admire how fiercely you love and protect. People need to understand that. You LOVE.

I admire how you laugh your head off when you realize that you said something completely ridiculous. You are able to laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously, that’s what that tells me. What a blessing to be able to learn that through your experience.

I admire the way you speak your truth. Consistently. Constantly.

I admire the way you tell people your intentions – you want to SUPPORT PEOPLE. To LIFT THEM UP. I see this. I feel it. Everyone who is in your circle should see it and feel it too and if they don’t it is THEIR LENS not yours that is blurry.

I admire the way you continue to be excellent and pursue excellence in your career.

I admire the way you are able to admit when you don’t know something (even though you may have a hard time admitting when you FORGET things haha!!!)

I admire the way you intend to support and accept me no matter how I act, who I am or what I do. And yes, I admire when you share your opinions about if you think any of those things are nuts lol we are all entitled to our opinion.

 

I feel the need to write this publicly because I feel like it’s time that I call it out. To myself, to everyone who reads this, to the Universe, that I SEE YOU.

I have witnessed and been a part of many things that have impacted your life now. I have seen people say things to you that no one should say to another human being. I have witnessed the impact of people’s dishonesty, hurtful actions and avoidance. I have witnessed you experience the loss of your little brother and the process of helping to support his family through this tragedy.

And in my opinion … knowing you my whole life … I can honestly say that I couldn’t be happier to see you every day, still healthy, here doing your thing. I know you are making your way through the challenges that your life brings and I am damn proud of you ma. And I have your back. I support you. I love you.

You are honestly one of the most amazing people. I know my soul chose you to be my momma and I’m still figuring out all the reasons why, but the thing that makes me the happiest is seeing you have a good life and feel good. I know it doesn’t always feel like things are good, but you deserve the best and it’s been amazing watching you claim that in your own ways.

I love you,

 

B-

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The biggest leap of faith…

So here I am… at the airport … waiting till the last possible moment to give birth to this damn post lol because it carries so much weight – why it does it feel like the weight of the world is in one little phrase?

Well heres what Im figuring out – when the phrase is this-

Thank you.

I’m so grateful.

When it’s this and it comes from a place where you have to justify it – this is what happens when I start to realize how FREAKING happy I am and how excited I feel to be waiting to get on the plane to Ireland now, thinking about how I got to this point and the support of all of the beautiful people who have been a part of this journey so far.

Its one of those moments where there are no words… but actually…. there are.

No words in my head that can suffice to describe what I feel because what I feel is in my heart.

Oh man everyone I cant even believe that this is about to happen – this journey is finally here and Two Can Do is going on tour. I am going on tour. I did this and I am doing this. Sometimes it feels like I could laugh about it all because I never could have predicted that I would be doing this now. When I first flew to Ireland 7.5 years ago I had no idea that my life would be forever changed by a place that lit my heart ablaze with a spark of spirit that I didn’t even know I had yet somehow felt like I was meeting myself again. That spirit has lit a fire in me that burns so brightly to this day because it brought me here. To claiming my identity as an artist. To sharing my vision and committing to it. To asking for help, and to receiving it in heaps. I kept saying to myself – I cannot believe it. But now as I sit here, waiting to get on the plane and waiting for it to hit me that this is really happening I realize – wait- its been here this whole time. All I had to do was believe it. What does that take? Well I know I have to get there myself but honestly what has helped me beyond measure is seeing the belief in me that has come from others through supportive messages, emails, hugs, donations, reviews, and supportive energy that is allowing me to see myself reflected in others. The more I believe, the more I see how much others also believe. Thank you soo much everyone for allowing me to see myself in you. There’s just one more thing I want to share with you:

Walking in the dark has never felt more right in my entire life, thank you all for the flashlights, torches, lighters and neon signs along the way.

And thank you… infinitely for being by my side while I took the journey to realize that my phone has a flashlight too… and accept the blessing that the light to lead the way to the next step comes from me… And you could all see it. Thank you for being patient with me and supporting me while I learn to accept that I can see it for myself. Now I am… we are… unstoppable.

Thank you all so much for being there. Here we are at the beginning of this next chapter. Cannot wait to share all of the news and excitement with you.

So these words… are just it. Thank you all so much. I feel like I won the lotto. I am a millionaire

We only need 635.31 dollars to cover our expenses- it’s amazing. And I have full belief that we will achieve that.

If you would like to contribute to the last stretch please visit our fractured atlas page.

Talk soon,

B-

Stop Stopping.

So just stop stopping.

 

I put up the paper again today after months of not having it up. I’m not sure why I do that to myself.

 

I went into the studio today even though with the way I felt – previously I would have just decided not to go. It made everything better. Temporarily better, but better nonetheless.

Then the shower. Now the paper is back up and the paints are out.

The music is on and I am here on this keyboard.

 

Why do I stop? I know I am meant to create, to share, to express, to tell stories, paint stories, dance stories, express humanities, exercise energies.

I know it.

Do you ever just cry for a minute?

Only a minute.

I bet we all did when we were children. I know I did.

I do now as well but for a long while I wouldn’t. So then when I would cry it would be for hours and hours.

Built up inside ya know?

To the point where it gets so painful to hold it in that it all comes out.

That is a pattern in my life and I want it to stop because I will tell you this right now – I don’t want to be like that with my art.

I am accepting what it means to be an artist.

Write without thinking. Paint without thinking. Dance without thinking.

 

Is art made without thinking? I’m not sure.

Well no of course not. Thinking though – that kind of thinking that makes my art – it’s not the same kind that makes my decisions. I wish it was. Because the kind of thinking that makes my art is guided by everything within and out of me. Guided by the thin veil between spirit and external world.

That’s what we are. A veil between the spirit and the external world.

You ever seen a bride wear a veil? She can still see everything outside through it and everything outside can still see her.

Exactly.

So can my thinking be nothing more than a veil through which I see and the world sees me? A VERY THIN ONE PLEASE.

Not a brick white sack over my face lol.

My body tells me when something is bothering me. Now I just need to know the difference between the stimuli.

So stop stopping yourself from doing what you know is for you.

And stop doing things that make you sweat when you aren’t supposed to be sweating lol #stress.sweat

Talk soon eh?

B-

Float float float

Float float floating finger tips upon the keys it’s honestly one of my favorite things to do with my time. Some days I just want to allow myself to be sucked into the world of the internet. It’s like this energy that is the illusion of what we all have as human beings. An interconnectedness that we have mistakenly taken to heart through the internet but really that’s what we have if we just look around us.

 

Sometimes I just want to let my fingertips guide me because I really can feel that there is so much that wants to come out. Listening to John Mayer, typing away over here with my blankets. I like to lay on my bed during the day -it’s made, but I have two blankets that I cuddle with. It feels like cheating or something haha. You know like when you really just want to eat something greasy and delicious or something but instead you have guacamole and it does the job?

 

There is a lot of patience that is riding on the things I want to do next. But also I keep thinking – am I going big enough? This thought has been planted as a little seed in my head recently.

 

Feeling braver than yesterday though so there we go. John Mayer really just gets me with his lyrics. I really feel him on a lot of the things he used to write about. I’m not sure about his new stuff because I haven’t been following. I let this playlist go on for a while though whenever I am in this mood. It used to be a mood of desperation but has since migrated to a mood of pensiveness and a mood of deep relaxation that leads to stillness in the body. I have been so exhausted today.

 

My solar plexus chakra has been off. I received a reiki treatment on Friday and that is where I learned this information. I also felt the tremendous release of that excess when she worked that area. It was a very emotional experience for me because I imagined it like this:

 

She had opened up the cauldron of my solar plexus – a big black cauldron with steaming yellow smoke coming from it (yellow is the color of this chakra – the 3rd) and all of a sudden loads of smoke was billowing out and into a black hole beside me.

 

I could see the smoke bubbling up and forming memories and thoughts and words of self-doubt and expectation and perfection, of achievement, success, pressure, lack of confidence, many of the things that I have done to myself for as long as I can remember, just billowing out of my energetic body like smoke stacks.

 

I felt like crying because I realized that all of that was stuck inside of me. And what was it doing really? What was the purpose you know?

 

I am conflicted between needing to understand my past and not needing to. I want to dream bigger, think bigger, be bigger – there are things at the core that have been shaken and have been twisted throughout my life.

Twisted roots or not I am here and I feel great about that.

 

Every day – I am here so far. I believe in Two Can Do. It is going to change the world. I believe in my writing… it too is going to change the world.

I am the world. The world is in me. You are the world. The world is in you.

So transform and the world will be transformed.

 

That’s how I know.

There’s something about sitting behind this computer, knowing that as I put these words down on electronic paper, that they are born. Something outside of myself.

The body remembers everything really – so this is why art and expression is essential to humanity. Because if you don’t give it life outside of the illusory boundaries of your body – then it gets stuck in there.

I was so depressed for a while – because my art was stuck inside of me.

 

I hope I never do that again, but if I do, at least I might be able to recognize it a little easier.

Right now I feel like I am on the verge of exploding into the world – do you ever get that feeling?

It starts with writing whatever the hell I want. It starts with that for me. But that’s not for everywhere.

 

It starts with trusting my damn self. Today I have been in bed all day. I can’t remember the last time I did that. And I most certainly cannot remember the last time I did that without being confined to my bed because I was just so sad or low.

This is different.

This is rest. This is planning. This is prepping. This is incubating in the settling of the dusts.

So do people read this and get me? Sometimes I wonder that haha – the thoughts inside this mind of mine have been tumbling around for 28.5 years now and I sometimes think I was born with centuries of thoughts from past lives as well because when these things come out of me I’m not exactly sure where they came from sometimes.

But speaking is my next venture. Allowing the words to float off my tongue as opposed to through my fingertips is the next step.

Conflicting beliefs hold me back sometimes – but honestly WHO CARES hahah – inspired by the song that is on right now – Who Says?

Honestly though … can I please go back to when I was a kid and I knew exactly what I wanted to say and do and exactly how I felt? And on my way can I have a few good meals, make a few new friends and see a few new places?

If you look back – do you ever realize that you’ve done everything you could have ever imagined and then some?

What is your biggest dream? How often do you exercise your imagination?

Is it okay for me to be a writer, a painter, a dancer and a choreographer? Yes.

A dance teacher and a yoga teacher? Yes.

Is it okay for me to completely dis-identify with all the things I “do” and all the things I “am”. YES.

Because then – it’s completely okay to be all of who I am.

I think I should have been born in like … the 1920s or something when life was a bit more focused on the daily grind. That would keep my mind in check lol.

The monkey mind they called it in Yoga Training.

Ironic that I always thought I looked like a monkey hahah. Damn.

 

Hugs and love,

 

Talk soon,

 

B-

To accept what I cannot understand

Alright I’m just going to let this one float out of the fingertips of a gal who has been transforming since … BIRTH hahahah really we all are transforming from the moment we exist. But here is the story – the consciousness of my own transformation has really become a skill I have been developing in this year of 2019 and especially in these past few months.

I want to share as much of it as I can because I really feel like this is what is going to help me to believe that I deserve it and to believe in the best for myself.

Do you ever feel like that? You just keep thinking about something and only to yourself. You never talk about it or tell anyone else about it – you only think it in your head. You don’t even speak it aloud in your own company.

The energy of the Universe is the same energy as our energy. All energy is the same right? So our thoughts are energy – the energy of our thoughts is the same as the energy of the Universe. This is it … right? Well something about speaking – the energy of the voice – seems to me to change the source of where it comes from.

Not that any one source is better than another source. BUTTTT I do feel that when I speak aloud – what I say comes from my heart and soul more than it does my mind. When I think it’s all in my mind. Even when I write it is all in my mind. Hence my struggle at times with writing.

Speaking things into existence – it’s like that is the direct extension to the universe. Whereas thinking them and keeping them inside seems to be an email lol. It’s like… these below are my thoughts lol …

I really want to make it. I want this tour to be successful. I want to let go of the guilt that I feel for being born.

Sent to: theuniverse@gmail.com

Then I write it and it’s a little bit like this … these are my writings …

Here’s the real thing that I discovered this morning – IF it was a mistake … {cut this bit out cuz it’s sensitive to me right now} it’s NOT MY MISTAKE. So there is nothing to forgive for me and so that means there is no reason for the guilt. Right? Right.

I want to write some prayers. I recently connected with this learning – that there is a significant difference between prayer and mediation though they are deeply connected. So I realized that I haven’t been meditating I’ve been praying through visualization. And that words are pictures. They create pictures. So I want to write prayers to help me articulate the images that I want to see.

 

Sent to: connections to the universe through human beings and the internet

Speaking it aloud however – whether it’s to myself or to another – is like this

I AM LEARNING AND I AM LIVING AND I AM INVESTED IN MY LIFE BY DOING 

Sent to: THE UNIVERSE DIRECTLY

What do you think about that?!

Does it work? I sure as hell think it does.

I also want to state this …

Prayer. Meditation. There’s a difference.

  • prayer is words and images – prayer is spoken, thought, prayer is tangible and initiated in the senses of sight, taste and touch
  • meditation – is listening. pure listening and awareness

Here are my prayers: well I haven’t written them yet but I am going to write one now.

I pray I may be filled with courage and faith to reveal myself to the world without fear. I pray that my mind may be free of distractions and my vision be clear. I pray that I may understand what a blessing I am to this world and how amazing it is to be alive. I pray that I may root and blossom with permission to do so simply because I exist.

Oh mannn oh mannn.

I’ve gotten distracted now because my lunch is ready. So I will go and eat.

To any of you angels out there who are thinking the thing – say it. Say it aloud. You deserve it.

I write it here for myself. I deserve it. But so. do. you.

With love always.

 

Talk soon,

 

B-