I listen to this song by Sabrina Claudio – it’s called As Long as Your Asleep…
She says – as long as your asleep, she’s not getting what you gave to me.
And it’s interesting to me – I love this song so much. I really feel it on a level that seems like a soul level. But now I also wonder – what does that mean – what are we when we are asleep? Do we have the same value?
I have been suckerpunched by some opportunities this month to examine what I think about myself. My own self-worth. I have been hit hard with them as if to say – YOU DON’T REALIZE YOUR WORTH.
People walk all over me. I’ve let people take everything from me in the past and these past few weeks I’ve realized how I let that happen in my career as well. So when there are people that I work with and for, sometimes I can get in a situation where I am taken advantage of, or rejected.
It feels absolutely horrible. Like actually sickening in my body. And so then when I feel that way and I realize why – the first thing I want to do is GET OUT. I want to run away I want out. I need to get out of this situation it’s horrible, I’m too good for this I don’t deserve this how could they do this to me etc etc.
Well I chose to be here. So now I realize – I can’t just get out NOW. But I can get out.
I can change my perspective. I can draw my roots deeper and allow myself to express and shine my light to let my branches lift up towards the sky and to say to myself:
Bianca, I love you. You are invaluable. You, as a part of the human race, are needed in this world. Please take the time to go through this situation completely and with integrity. Speak up for yourself with ease, knowing that you understand on a soul level, exactly how you want to be treated and all that you are worth.
And so there… I can no longer run away. Because I have to go through this so that I can get out.
I am sure now, never been more sure… that I never want to be put in situations with people like this again where I let myself take it in. And I allow myself to be treated in a way that I look back and realize is unfair. I don’t want to be working in hindsight with these situations anymore.
I also realize it’s not fair on myself or the universe to say I never want to meet people like this anymore. It’s not about people. It’s about me. All of us beautiful human beings are doing our best. We are doing what we know. Maybe it’s not our potential best, but it is what we know. How many of us take the time to question what we’ve always known? I feel as though I’ve only just begun to do that. I wonder if some people never will and maybe some people are born already aware that they know.
Because we all know how to be experts of ourselves. We know it.
So it’s been a journey for me of self-discovery in my own way. Which has meant a few hard knocks at times to be honest. Especially recently. And it’s so funny because sometimes I think of what it must look like on the outside. Well that is a damn disaster to do that to myself. Because when I do that I feel like I give myself an excuse to stay suffering inside and say to myself that it’s really not that bad.
But here is the thing – it doesn’t matter. If it FEELS BAD THEN IT IS BAD. If it feels bad. Then it is bad. Trust that. Something needs to be attended to. I feel like if I feel bad then there is a reason for that. It doesn’t matter if I was the richest person in the world with the most lavish amazing beautiful life style – if I felt bad on the inside – I hope I would listen.
So as I begin to truly develop the life I want to have (everything up to this point has been preparing me for this I believe) – well as I begin to develop this life through shifting my perspective and gathering evidence to keep me reminded of my worth and my deservingness – I realize that what’s on the inside is what matters first. If I can develop my skill in listening to that – I can allow myself to be guided without the stress and the confusion of wondering about all the different possibilities.
I can see 1,000,000 possibilities in every situation. I love that about myself. But without the listening to me and knowing my worth and my inherent value – I get caught up in examining too many of those possibilities. Anxiety comes out of that. No bueno.
So – my New Years Resolution has come in handy about 1,000,000 times itself – wanna know what it is?
S T O P.
To stop. Stop chasing things, stop doing things, stop talking, stop stop stop. I can’t even explain how many times this has come up for me.
I have to create from the inside. That is where creation lives. Think about how a baby is born – it’s not created on the outside of the human body. So how can I expect that by changing everything around me on the outside that I’ll create the life I want?
It doesn’t seem to be working that way. But what issss working is this – listening to what’s inside and using that to guide my process of augmenting what’s around me and welcoming new things while saying goodbye to things that no longer serve.
The purging has been real. But STOP comes in now – when there are voids, there are spaces now from what’s left. And until they can be filled with the waterfall of self-love, self-worth, abundance peace and joy – I work to keep them open and remind myself that I will fill them not with what was already in there previously, but with what was always there from the moment I was born.