Life is meant to be free – it really really is. It’s wild to think about and that’s because its so unknown. What is freedom? What is a free spirit?
We all are. That is what we were born to be, but how do we actually live that reality? By simply not knowing and knowing all at once. Knowing that it’s true and living in that truth but not knowing how to do it is how we do it.
Embracing the unknown. Damn I am really working on that so much these days.
And you know what I am realizing? Basically I have taken on many many fairy tales to quench my fear of the unknown. So I have basically allowed chapters of my story and full story books to be written based in and around falsities. Not lies, just things that I feel I should be doing or portraying based on my supposed identity in society.
I want to let go of these stories. Just toss them up in to the air and let them explode into energy that can be free to turn into something else.
The fairy tale that allows me to stay stuck in fear basically because of another fear – has to go.
It’s one of two things people… this is what I’m figuring out for myself – it’s either
Fear of not living up to the fairy tales we associate with, the identity that we are supposed to assume.
Fear of the unknown.
Fear of not living up to these tales – means that we can predict for the most part the different ways that this outcome could lie. SO basically I can either live up to it, or not at all or somewhere in between – most of which are all outcomes I can imagine. So if I can imagine it then it is possible.
WHY now…. this is what I am asking myself – WHY would I want to spend all of my time trying to live out possibilities of a FAIRY TALE that I DON’T EVEN TRULY SUBSCRIBE TO just because I am afraid that something ABSOLUTELY incredible and unpredictable yet perfectly perfect could happen within the fear of the unknown?
Because the risk is HUGE – in the fear of the unknown – the possibilities are INFINITE – infinite possibilities that could be considered “good” but equally infinite possibilities that could be considered “bad”.
So I’ll just stick to the fairy tale of Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer – who pretends that she has the same training background as everyone else yet when things don’t happen as effortlessly as they appear to be happening for people around me I know why – because she just started learning to understand her body in that way as an adult (3 years ago really) NOT 25 years ago like she pretends to portray. – NOTTTT- this is a story I am letting go of – because within it I can imagine all of the possibilities of that but that keeps me STUCK in comparison and trying to be somewhere that I am not (yet) and it keeps me from embracing what is already a part of me.
Or Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer who could… but always has the excuse of her having surgery that left her with a right calf muscle that she can and can’t feel depending on the activity – and so that excuse prevents her from trying her best and is literally a crutch in her life. But it’s okay because at least she has that to lean back on when the self-loathing comes in about not being where she wants to be. NOOOOOOOOO thank you. As I type that I am like come on B… you know that if you want to embrace what’s within you, you have to just let these stories go. Your body is amazing and can really recover from anything, can do anything, and you are doing it. So go out there and do your dance… and if you fall out of things, your leg is getting stronger.
It’s a fear. It is a fear because the story of perfectionism has littered my life. And left me with the biggest headline of all
” I am not good enough”
because I have been chasing perfection my whole life.
The unknown is where I want to be – oh mannnn I could cry when I think about how amazing it could be. The possibilities are ENDLESS.
And this fairy tale – I am the perfect child, I am the one who keeps everyone happy, brings everyone together, born first, my job is to make sure everyone is okay – call everyone, visit the elders, host holidays.
WHO TELLS ME THIS STUFF – well I struggle – because I know a lot of it is learned through years of my life and also the rest is what happens when I internalize it all.
It is all me right now – and here is the thing I wish for myself above all – this is the story I want
Bianca Paige Smith – a free spirit of the world who has learned the skills of acceptance, forgiveness and letting go. An artist by nature, a human being whose energy reflects peace and openness. Her heart is open, she expresses herself through many artistic mediums, dance being one of them, where she is doing her best to embrace the possibilities of what she does not yet know. She does her best, she lives and loves unconditionally and she is her number one biggest supporter.
This is my clear vision. My dream.
Diving deep into the unknown. Ditching the pretending. Ditching the excuses.
The news is out – the headlines are in –
Bianca Paige Smith – YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
And so are you – if you are reading this – you are a free spirit. Dive into the unknown – we are meant to not know, that is why we are here.