Sometimes I just want to write shit down and then burn it. I really should start doing that. Because writing is really how I express myself.
But I think about this platform – and how grateful I am to have this connection to the universe through cyber space -and I say to myself – I don’t want to take advantage of it by just complaining about all of my bullspit on here.
We need to express ourselves and also to vent. Venting is not self expression. Not to me anyway. So I want to keep this place as a place to express myself.
But where do I vent? I want to write some letters and burn them. That’s what I want to do.
This though – is the letter that I want to be inscribed with my name, the letter that reflects who I am becoming, this is the letter after the fire:
To Whom It May Concern (of whom there are many),
I forgive you for the pain that you have caused me. I forgive myself for letting your words, your actions, your energy, your vibrations, become a part of the fabric of mine. I have to say, it hurt me a lot to hear what you said, to feel what you gave off, to be in your presence at that time and there is a part of me that was holding on to that.
There was a part of me that was identifying myself in the experience of what we had together in those moments of pain. Holding on to those moments because the alternative was letting go, which was something I didn’t yet know how to do.
A feeling like hatred (though I’m not quite sure what this actually feels like) crossed my mind and heart, anger and resentment, along with severe disdain for the moments that impacted my life without my consent. The experiences that were handed to me through no choice of my own. The decisions made for me, the situations I was put in by being around an energy like yours, that is not mine but equally impacted mine as much as my own did because I didn’t know any different.
I let go of the idea that you did this to me. You didn’t do anything to me, I allowed myself to be affected by the things that happened. But sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops how unfair it feels to realize this when it’s all too late.
Which is why I choose to let go. I choose to forgive. Not for you… but for me.
It is not my problem how you feel about me and my choices, no matter the circumstance. I stand in that power and I stand in that truth now. I choose to let go because the alternative keeps me away from the present.
And I’d like to share what is present for me right now – I am working through some tough shit.
I am doing the inner work, every single day. I am learning to love myself again, to talk to myself in an empowering way. To say to myself on a daily basis that I am supported, that I am incredible, that I can achieve anything I want because I am connected.
To combat what I have heard and what I have felt up until this point… this is the work I am doing now. It doesn’t have time for me to have petty conversations with myself or anyone else about what could have been if I would have known better or about what could possibly happen in your presence going forward.
I stand in my power now. Knowing that letting go and forgiving is the best thing I can do for myself today and every day.
I forgive you. You didn’t know. I forgive me. I didn’t know. Sometimes I still feel anger inside but I am grateful for this reminder because it only allows me to go deeper in this work. The work of being human.
The work of realizing that the limitation is this – we cannot change anything that has passed, but we can create our reality which creates our future. My reality has more of me in it than anyone or anything else. So simple and so obvious isn’t it? Well, that is news to me and it is the best news I have heard in a while.
I wish you love and peace, as I loosen the grip, cut the ties and wrap them around my own heart, holding myself up as it should be.