Float float floating finger tips upon the keys it’s honestly one of my favorite things to do with my time. Some days I just want to allow myself to be sucked into the world of the internet. It’s like this energy that is the illusion of what we all have as human beings. An interconnectedness that we have mistakenly taken to heart through the internet but really that’s what we have if we just look around us.
Sometimes I just want to let my fingertips guide me because I really can feel that there is so much that wants to come out. Listening to John Mayer, typing away over here with my blankets. I like to lay on my bed during the day -it’s made, but I have two blankets that I cuddle with. It feels like cheating or something haha. You know like when you really just want to eat something greasy and delicious or something but instead you have guacamole and it does the job?
There is a lot of patience that is riding on the things I want to do next. But also I keep thinking – am I going big enough? This thought has been planted as a little seed in my head recently.
Feeling braver than yesterday though so there we go. John Mayer really just gets me with his lyrics. I really feel him on a lot of the things he used to write about. I’m not sure about his new stuff because I haven’t been following. I let this playlist go on for a while though whenever I am in this mood. It used to be a mood of desperation but has since migrated to a mood of pensiveness and a mood of deep relaxation that leads to stillness in the body. I have been so exhausted today.
My solar plexus chakra has been off. I received a reiki treatment on Friday and that is where I learned this information. I also felt the tremendous release of that excess when she worked that area. It was a very emotional experience for me because I imagined it like this:
She had opened up the cauldron of my solar plexus – a big black cauldron with steaming yellow smoke coming from it (yellow is the color of this chakra – the 3rd) and all of a sudden loads of smoke was billowing out and into a black hole beside me.
I could see the smoke bubbling up and forming memories and thoughts and words of self-doubt and expectation and perfection, of achievement, success, pressure, lack of confidence, many of the things that I have done to myself for as long as I can remember, just billowing out of my energetic body like smoke stacks.
I felt like crying because I realized that all of that was stuck inside of me. And what was it doing really? What was the purpose you know?
I am conflicted between needing to understand my past and not needing to. I want to dream bigger, think bigger, be bigger – there are things at the core that have been shaken and have been twisted throughout my life.
Twisted roots or not I am here and I feel great about that.
Every day – I am here so far. I believe in Two Can Do. It is going to change the world. I believe in my writing… it too is going to change the world.
I am the world. The world is in me. You are the world. The world is in you.
So transform and the world will be transformed.
That’s how I know.
There’s something about sitting behind this computer, knowing that as I put these words down on electronic paper, that they are born. Something outside of myself.
The body remembers everything really – so this is why art and expression is essential to humanity. Because if you don’t give it life outside of the illusory boundaries of your body – then it gets stuck in there.
I was so depressed for a while – because my art was stuck inside of me.
I hope I never do that again, but if I do, at least I might be able to recognize it a little easier.
Right now I feel like I am on the verge of exploding into the world – do you ever get that feeling?
It starts with writing whatever the hell I want. It starts with that for me. But that’s not for everywhere.
It starts with trusting my damn self. Today I have been in bed all day. I can’t remember the last time I did that. And I most certainly cannot remember the last time I did that without being confined to my bed because I was just so sad or low.
This is different.
This is rest. This is planning. This is prepping. This is incubating in the settling of the dusts.
So do people read this and get me? Sometimes I wonder that haha – the thoughts inside this mind of mine have been tumbling around for 28.5 years now and I sometimes think I was born with centuries of thoughts from past lives as well because when these things come out of me I’m not exactly sure where they came from sometimes.
But speaking is my next venture. Allowing the words to float off my tongue as opposed to through my fingertips is the next step.
Conflicting beliefs hold me back sometimes – but honestly WHO CARES hahah – inspired by the song that is on right now – Who Says?
Honestly though … can I please go back to when I was a kid and I knew exactly what I wanted to say and do and exactly how I felt? And on my way can I have a few good meals, make a few new friends and see a few new places?
If you look back – do you ever realize that you’ve done everything you could have ever imagined and then some?
What is your biggest dream? How often do you exercise your imagination?
Is it okay for me to be a writer, a painter, a dancer and a choreographer? Yes.
A dance teacher and a yoga teacher? Yes.
Is it okay for me to completely dis-identify with all the things I “do” and all the things I “am”. YES.
Because then – it’s completely okay to be all of who I am.
I think I should have been born in like … the 1920s or something when life was a bit more focused on the daily grind. That would keep my mind in check lol.
The monkey mind they called it in Yoga Training.
Ironic that I always thought I looked like a monkey hahah. Damn.
Hugs and love,