The letter after the fire

Sometimes I just want to write shit down and then burn it. I really should start doing that. Because writing is really how I express myself.

But I think about this platform – and how grateful I am to have this connection to the universe through cyber space -and I say to myself – I don’t want to take advantage of it by just complaining about all of my bullspit on here.

We need to express ourselves and also to vent. Venting is not self expression. Not to me anyway. So I want to keep this place as a place to express myself.

But where do I vent? I want to write some letters and burn them. That’s what I want to do.

This though – is the letter that I want to be inscribed with my name, the letter that reflects who I am becoming, this is the letter after the fire:

To Whom It May Concern (of whom there are many),

I forgive you for the pain that you have caused me. I forgive myself for letting your words, your actions, your energy, your vibrations, become a part of the fabric of mine. I have to say, it hurt me a lot to hear what you said, to feel what you gave off, to be in your presence at that time and there is a part of me that was holding on to that.

There was a part of me that was identifying myself in the experience of what we had together in those moments of pain. Holding on to those moments because the alternative was letting go, which was something I didn’t yet know how to do.

A feeling like hatred (though I’m not quite sure what this actually feels like) crossed my mind and heart, anger and resentment, along with severe disdain for the moments that impacted my life without my consent. The experiences that were handed to me through no choice of my own. The decisions made for me, the situations I was put in by being around an energy like yours, that is not mine but equally impacted mine as much as my own did because I didn’t know any different.

I let go of the idea that you did this to me. You didn’t do anything to me, I allowed myself to be affected by the things that happened. But sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops how unfair it feels to realize this when it’s all too late.

Which is why I choose to let go. I choose to forgive. Not for you… but for me.

It is not my problem how you feel about me and my choices, no matter the circumstance. I stand in that power and I stand in that truth now. I choose to let go because the alternative keeps me away from the present.

And I’d like to share what is present for me right now – I am working through some tough shit.

I am doing the inner work, every single day. I am learning to love myself again, to talk to myself in an empowering way. To say to myself on a daily basis that I am supported, that I am incredible, that I can achieve anything I want because I am connected.

To combat what I have heard and what I have felt up until this point… this is the work I am doing now. It doesn’t have time for me to have petty conversations with myself or anyone else about what could have been if I would have known better or about what could possibly happen in your presence going forward.

I stand in my power now. Knowing that letting go and forgiving is the best thing I can do for myself today and every day.

I forgive you. You didn’t know. I forgive me. I didn’t know. Sometimes I still feel anger inside but I am grateful for this reminder because it only allows me to go deeper in this work. The work of being human.

The work of realizing that the limitation is this – we cannot change anything that has passed, but we can create our reality which creates our future. My reality has more of me in it than anyone or anything else. So simple and so obvious isn’t it? Well, that is news to me and it is the best news I have heard in a while.

I wish you love and peace, as I loosen the grip, cut the ties and wrap them around my own heart, holding myself up as it should be.



#SundayStories This post had a name earlier… OH! Start as you mean to go on

And just FKING goooooo. You know? Just go. Go on – keep going.

Today, December 31st, feels like the start of the new year for me. I think it always has felt like that but I have not really acknowledged it until this year. But this morning I woke up and I decided not to treat it any differently than any other day, apart from I decided to myself that I would do all the things that are important to me and have been important to me. So I want to start as I mean to go on. This led me to meditating, writing in my journal and cleaning my room. But what it also gave me was a massive reminder – in my belly somewhere, you know that place in you that knows everything that you already need to know? The reminder? That I love to write. And I need to write. And it needs to be here. Shared.

Why? For me. That’s the thing … it’s for me that I need to just get these things out – I’m not sure who I am sharing them to exactly, but because I believe that we are all deeply connected, well I know that I am sharing it with everyone by just getting it out of my head.

I have been doing a lot of reading and writing over the past few months, but particularly the past few weeks. A lot. And I am loving it but also I am realizing… well that I really have no idea what I’m realizing because I’m reading and writing so much!! I haven’t been giving myself time to think… or not think really. Time in silence you know?

I have ideas about what I want this new year to be for me. Like I’m sure we all do. But I think that what I really need to do in order to have these ideas become reality is say what this past year has actually been like for me.

I have had my heart broken hundreds of times this year. 2017 – the year of heartbreak and surrender. Today I experienced one of the hardest of them all.

I woke up this morning and I journaled three pages in my shiny silver journal (bought from Tiger for 4 euro – amazing purchase to be honest, I love it). I am currently participating in the Artist’s Way – I’m on week 6 this week. So this morning I wrote that I’d like to go down to the basement to bring up my oldest journals. Because I wanted to go into this new year with all my journals. I went downstairs to the basement and they were nowhere to be found. My heart hurts as I write this because I actually cannot believe that 7-8 years worth of journals might actually be completely missing. I just can’t find them. My things have been through a lot of moves and reorganizations – 9/10 of them without me actually being around. So I understand it is hard to keep track, for other people, of things that aren’t yours.

But honestly, of all the shit I own, these are actually the only things I would save if this whole building went up in flames. My journals. My journals are me. They are meeeee. Me at 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, and now at 27 – this writing is my life. It is what I am here experiencing and what I am here to share.

God I could have actually cried myself into 2018 if I let it happen earlier. But as I sat there on the couch, sulking to no end, a voice inside whispered to me – “It’s in you.”

I used to write to document my life. If you want to know why I really started journaling, at 14 years of age – it’s because I was deathly afraid that I was going to get older and forget everything I have done with my life. I didn’t want to forget. Life, at that time, felt like this thing that was SO unbelievably amazing that I just didn’t want to forget a single second of it.

So I had to write it down. I documented my days, every single day. I thought that’s all I was doing.

But it turns out I was building a lifelong habit and I was developing a way to express myself, to understand my life and the world around me and to discover what it is that I am here to share. And I swear to you, over the past decade and a bit, my writing has catapulted me through life. It has become far more than documenting my days. It has become my lifeline, my companion, my bible, my escape, my passion.

How could I be so silly as to let myself slip out of this habit? I have. Gravely. Not the writing though. The courage. The sharing. The courage to share.

So here I am. Recommitting to that. And wanting to stop the bullshit of writing through a lens.

The lens should be my own and nothing more or less. I know that now. So I am done writing the way that I feel I should in order to communicate myself. I need to communicate myself in order to write the way that I should. You know?

If I think about it I could actually scream. Sometimes it seems so complicated to just be here. And then other times it seems so divinely simple that I become immediately filled with gratitude for my existence.

2018 – 18 is my favorite number. I really like it, always have.

I am terrified of myself. Is anyone else like that? It’s actually ridiculous to think that as much as I resist the things that I do in life – what I really want, believing that I can achieve, loving myself and caring for myself, putting myself first, being unashamed of who I am and what I do – that is how much power I actually have to explode into these things once I set myself free.

We all have that. I listened to a talk today – about how to love your relationship with money. I really struggle with my relationship with the green. I just have some beliefs about it that are preventing me from having enough of it, or any of it really.

So I have decided it is time for that to stop. During this talk I was presented with a quote by a woman named Barbara Starmy (my god my handwriting is not cute … her last name could be completely wrong and a part of me hopes it is lol … what is that ^^). She said

Your degree of resistance will be proportional to the amount of power waiting for you on the other side of that resistance.

Geezus I love that. I really do. So what the hell am I resisting? This year I have resisted change. I have resisted love. I have resisted generosity. I have resisted impulse. I have resisted desire. I have resisted self-care. I have resisted sharing. I have resisted belief. I have resisted faith. I have resisted acceptance. I have resisted forgiveness.

And I have suffered.

Now don’t get me wrong 2017 has been amazing in many ways. But that is not what this is about. This is about cutting through the bull to be here when 2018 turns and to reaaaallllyyyy be here. How can we go forward without first acknowledging where we’ve been right?

Well here’s my question – How the hell can I be here now if I can’t let go of where I’ve been or where I’m going?

So that’s where I’ve been ^^ You wanna know where else I’ve been?

Ireland. Germany. Belgium. England. Scotland. USA.



Purely terrified at times actually.



In love.









I’ve been there. You know? I’ve really been there.

I understand why people get tattoos in places where only they can see. Sometimes we just need something for ourselves. Whether it’s a reminder or a memory or a gift, we need something only for ourselves that stays with us forever. We can carry it around, knowing that it’s for us.

There is a flame inside of me that I carry around with me. It’s just for me and I never knew that before. But now I know. It’s not for anyone else because if I share it, they might blow it out. I need to keep this flame alive.

This year I’ve shared my flame so many times. Hence the heartbreak.

But now I know. So I will protect my flame and watch it grow. Because now I know that the warmth from this fire is enough for me and everyone I know and love. So I don’t need to expose the flame to keep everyone warm.

Happy Happy new year.

Talk soon,



PS. I will be seeing you in the cybernet every Sunday from now on. That is my pledge to my flame. What’s yours?

Visiting. Coming. Going. Staying. Leaving.

I flossed my teeth this morning. It was very painful and my gums were bleeding quite a bit. A while back, I made a really good habit of flossing daily. It was something I did for myself and it really made a difference to my daily life believe it or not.

Somewhere along the line I stopped. I stopped doing that for myself. But today on the 5th of July I started again. This day is significant in my life believe it or not – I didn’t realize it until I looked at my Facebook memories. A year ago today I moved out of my house and into the house I live in now. Five years ago today a very special person in my life booked flights to visit me and what followed changed my life significantly. And in the present moment today is my last full day home before I head back to Ireland.

It’s a funny feeling, feeling like a visitor in my homeplace. I was thinking about it in my half sleep this morning – that phrase – home is where your heart is. And just reflecting on my journey over the past 4/5 years since Ireland has become a part of my life.

My heart was always in Jersey. Until I discovered Ireland and my spirit soul felt free and light. Being in Ireland allowed me to connect more deeply with the deepest parts of who I am. And since then I have felt my heart was there. So that’s the funny thing – home is where the heart is – my heart and home were in Jersey and then my heart and subsequently my home were in Ireland and this morning it hit me – my heart is in me. So my home should be where my heart is – and I should be able to feel at home in myself.

I don’t. And so because of that I am in a predicament where I feel like a visitor everywhere. And a native nowhere. I spoke out loud this morning a desire for everyone who I love to just know exactly how much I love them. Because it overwhelms me on a daily basis and this is why I find it so hard to come and go. So this is to all of my special friends and family who I know and love:

I wish that you could know, how your being gives me purpose. I wish you could feel the love that I have in my heart and gratitude for your existence that I feel every single day. I wish that I had a million hours in the day to spend with you, talking with you and laughing with you, reminiscing with you and pondering life with you.

Know that I want the absolute best for you and that I want to be able to be a part of your life, in any way that is meaningful to both you and I. Know that I am absolutely terrified of ever losing you, disappointing you or hurting your feelings. And please know that I think the world of you and I appreciate and acknowledge both the life you have lived and are creating for yourself.

I wish peace and joy for you, always.

Why am I writing this? Well because I feel like I have to so that I can let go. Let go of the responsibility, guilt and torture. I am torturing myself and wrecked with guilt every day, hurting deeply every day over things. Coming back home to these feelings is very hard. Leaving before I’ve dealt with them properly is even harder. And staying this whole time while feeling this way has been slightly torturous.

I love being home. I love seeing my family and friends. So so so very much. But I am facing a terrible storm inside every time I am home. And it’s so hard to acknowledge it because it makes me feel like I don’t belong. It makes me feel unloved and uncared for.

It reveals to me how I feel about myself. I don’t feel this way when I am in Ireland. I am never embarrassed of who I am over there or afraid to act how I want to act in case it might make someone else feel uncomfortable. So to come home and feel these things reveals deep revelations to me about my humanity.

The truth is that I am hurting so much to leave this place that I have called home for so long, with these people who I love so much. But I am also hurting to realize that I am not looking forward to the time alone that is upcoming for me. The time apart from the people who have been so invested in me has been such a blessing for me. But now as I return to that I am realizing that I still have yet to fully learn how to use that to become more invested in myself. That is my missing link. That is what leaves me feeling unloved, uncared for and scared to be on my own. It also leaves me scared to return because I don’t want to fall back into the patterns of using my beautiful network to fill the void.

I also have to say some things to some people that I am afraid to say. I am so afraid to speak my mind. Where did this come from? I just don’t know. But holding it in is hurting me. And avoiding these conversations is hurting my relationships. Having this hanging around right before my departure to the Emerald Isle is distressing to me. So perhaps I can find a way to say them here. To some family members I need to say – I wish that you could see how much I am hurting over the new realities and the old wounds uncovered. Because of this I pray on my own for peace in my heart and life but also can’t help but have a desire for things to change for the better. But in truth I am suffering greatly and I hope that you do not take any offense to this because I need a bit of space now. I hope that when I return that we can discuss the things that are important to me without pressure and most importantly with enough time for me to stick around to continue the conversation and for us to work through the consequences together. 

These days I just find my mind to be filled with so many thoughts and plans and schemes in order to fit everything in. I feel so much pressure and then I feel good about myself when I have managed to fit it all in. But the truth is I am longing for the life with balance. Balance with time for me and time for you (all the special yous in my life) and time for making spontaneous decisions and running with the day. It is neither here (Jersey) nor there anymore (Ireland).

This realization hits me deeply. And hard. But letting it go here lightens my load slightly. I follow a spiritual mentor who pulls Angel Cards daily and shares them on Instagram. This morning the card was Meditation. Yesterday the card was Author. There is a message for me that has to do with writing, and with making quiet time to listen to messages that are being sent.

So this morning/afternoon I tried to listen. And all of this was ready to come out. Thank goodness to be honest because it feels so hard to hold all the hurt inside. Lighter. A bit lighter now.


A declaration

I want to live my truth.

I want to do what I say I am going to do – to be accountable.

I want to be with my own company in peace.

It hit me today … that none of us actually know just how far and wide our light shines really. We walk around on this Earth, doing our best (hopefully) not even knowing how we may have affected someone’s day, moment… life.

Today I had a moment of realization and while dancing I imagined myself with this bright yellow light coming from the center of my belly. It feels like this light needs to be pure if I can ever do justice to those who cross paths with its rays, ya know?

So I just feel I need to declare my gratitude and my commitment to continuing to be true and to living my truth. I find the days difficult sometimes, but the opportunity to talk about experience and being-ness with others offers me a chance to clarify what I know. Through sharing I come to know myself.

Through sharing today I realized that I will never truly know how far my essence travels, so I better make sure, just in case it ends up somewhere where it’s really needed, that it is purely me. And not a hidden version of me or an afraid version of B.

Working on it anyway. For a gal (me) who is constantly questioning why I’m here and what the point of all of this is… it’s really nice to be reminded that what I project reaches farther out than I could ever imagine. And so for that… I declare that I intend to project purely and with integrity.

And for you, who is reading this, I hope you know that every single one of us makes a bigger ripple in the waves than we could ever imagine. So if you can trust in that… what kind of an affect do you want to have? Be that effect.

Talk soon


These days

See that up there ^^? She would never admit it, but she was petrified of looking the way she was feeling at the time… like sh*t.

April 2014… I had just started dancing again after 13.5 months off. I ruptured my achilles… got operated on… and began the long long long road to recovery. Well when I heard the snap of my tendon… along with that went my confidence in myself, my identity, and almost all of my pride.

My goodness, I used to think… I don’t want to be here anymore. What am I going to do if I can’t dance? Who am I without dancing? For months I fought with myself through sleepless nights, pointless days (they felt pointless anyway) and conversations with myself just continuously asking myself… what is the point?

It was a very low time for me, but after those 13.5 months – when the opportunity arose for me to do a photoshoot on the beach with a very talented photographer (Sasha M Photography), I felt brave enough – for the first time in over a year.

That day the beach was very cold. It was extremely windy and my legs and toes were numb from being bare. Something about that numbness though… reminded me of times past and comforted me in a way … because I knew that with my hopping around on the beach that day… those times had definitely passed.

If it wasn’t for my girlfriend at the time, I don’t know if I would have been able to get through the lowest point on that journey. I am thankful everyday for her presence in my life, especially at that time.

That time, too, has passed. Life has lead us our separate ways and what I am left with now, being on my own, is the residue of years of not loving myself enough. Not being able to see the girl in that photo for who she actually is.

There is so much power in accepting yourself unconditionally. When I look at that photo, I want to hug that beautiful, powerful, inspiring woman so tight. I want to squeeze her and I want to remind her that she is so human and so real and the essence of herself is an excellent addition to what already exists in this world.

From experience, it seems that the last thing we want to do is see ourselves… you know… really see ourselves. And I’ve seen people put themselves through a serious amount of (legal) torture before they would simply accept their feelings, their situation, their abilities or simply what they see when they look in the mirror. I’m guilty. Are you?

Let’s just stop that now, okay? Just remember … it only takes two arms to give a good hug… and most of us are lucky enough to have two arms… isn’t that funny?! Hug yourself.

Speak your truth. Live your life from the inside out because what you have inside is too beautiful and too YOUnique not to share.


Inspired by: #worldmentalhealthday #internationaldayofthegirl #nationalcomingoutday