Every day.

Every day I want to write now. I have gotten into this lovely habit of writing first thing in the morning. Though I try to fight it, it feels good. I feel like there is a part of me that’s like – how are you giving priority to your mind over your body? The body should come first etc etc.

Maybe it will. Maybe I will get up and get on my mat first and then write after. I am trying to wake up earlier. I am waking now in the 7th hour and I want to get back to waking in the 6th. I’ve read through some Ayurvedic texts that it’s best to wake up between 4-6 am every day. The creative energies and things are supportive of beginning the day. I am not sure if I’ll get there yet but I am definitely working my way back. Especially while the sun is actually up at that hour.

I have also been writing these days without my glasses on and I find that it is affecting my spelling LOL. You won’t see that if you are reading this because basically I will go back and edit it to the best of my abilities. I am pretty meticulous.

This morning in my money course we were asked about forgiveness. How ready do I feel I am to forgive? That was the main question. I have to say when I do what’s right for me I feel completely willing to forgive and even to forget. Yesterday when I wrote about all of those things that were hurting me and weighing on my heart, my day transformed afterwards. I do believe in the power of transmuting energy through action.

I used to think that writing was only a thinking based thing and that’s also why i stopped for a while. But now I know that it’s not, for me. When I sit down to write my fingertips do the talking and I know my mind participates but it genuinely feels like union. It feels like yoking all of the pieces of me together to sit here and get these things out. And what’s funny is that sometimes I know I am getting out lighter layers and other times deeper layers.

Writing that is not coming from my soul with regards to its identity but writing that is coming from my soul with regards to observing my ego and my identity. That’s how it feels. I hope to go as deep as I possibly can. Classic Scorpio LOL.

Casting things into the fire you know? I am doing something a bit wild today. Wild for me. I am making a journey. I have been excited about it and today now that I’ve woken up and it’s the day to do it I feel a bit nervous. But I am doing it.

I am one of those kind of people who needs to learn things through experience. I have to experience things for myself and collect experiences and observations.

I had such a lovely chat with a friend yesterday and she said something to me that struck me. She said something like – I have to look up and realize this is the life I will be living now. Something like that – basically in relation to COVID-19. It’s still quite wild in the US, not necessarily where I am geographically, but we are all a part of the same country and so we are all affected in ways.

But that struck me … this idea of looking and realizing wow this is my life right now. Sometimes it doesn’t hit me like that because I’m too busy living in my head or something else is happening and I want to be somewhere else. Even writing the other day that sometimes I wish I was somewhere other than where I am right now.

I started to feel super empowered over the past day or so – once I started realizing that I can allow myself to dream and imagine and discuss and even make choices about so many things. Many more than I was allowing myself to realize in the low frequency vibration of other days. This is another thing I have learned and know to be true through reading as well.

But have actually learned it in my body now I feel. Low frequency does not attract high frequency. Low frequency energy does not attract high frequency solutions. The process of integration is something that seems to actually happen whether I am consciously aware of it or not.

I realize as well… there is a spectrum of consciousness. Let’s say I have felt called to wake up. And I feel that I have. I can be anywhere on the scale from A-Z … I think its probably more like a circle or spiral but for now I see it this way. And if I’m on step C – it is way easier to go back to A than to keep going forward to Z. Vacillation is what Louise Hay used to call it.

The process of vacillation is the middle. Sticking in the middle and being aware of where exactly in the middle you are seems to be key. When I get down it’s because I feel I’m stuck. In the middle of course. And I want to be at a beginning or an ending. So I create one. But now I am not doing that. I have stayed stuck in the middle of something for quite a long time. And it has naturally transformed and I am now at a bit of a beginning today. I welcome it. I am also a bit afraid of it. But I am doing it.

I feel called to stop now.

Talk soon,

B-

 

** Photo credit – Full Out Creative

How do we choose?

I want to share a few things that I know about myself. And a few things that I felt I had to be which really don’t suit me.

That’s why I came in here. But I want to start off by saying that there are so many times when I want to just sit down and write and in the past I haven’t done it. That time seems to be over with.

I feel this feeling again like I want to sit down and write whenever and it could come at any moment. What’s even better is that when that feeling comes I actually HONOR IT AND DO IT.

It’s flipping brilliant to feel this way again. I mentioned already how I want to make a list of all of the things I know about myself. Well it’s developing now and it won’t be a list anymore. It’s going to be more like a map. And in this map I will prove to myself how I have always known these things by backing them up with the things I am learning now.

IE. I have always known that I was meant to be a leader in some way – now I can show myself that there is specific information in all of the things I am learning that point to that and then also there are many examples in my life that point to that. So for example one of my main channels in Human Design is the Channel of the Self which is a leadership channel. Leading by example. On top of that I know from looking at my Astrology chart – with so many of my planets in my Sun sign of Scorpio in my 11th house – that in some ways I represent the collective. I am a representation of the whole.

And then there are examples of what I have done to express that you know? Becoming a yoga teacher is one of them. Being a choreographer, starting an internship program. I like to be able to lead with my example of how I am figuring things out in my life. Not because I think my way is the right way, but actually because I KNOW deeply how individual each of our paths are. And I feel that I want to talk about that. Transparently.

Sometimes I write big paragraphs and then I go back and split them up into smaller paragraphs because I have an affinity to small paragraphs. I wonder if that is something that in general that people prefer? To read smaller chunks separated rather than bigger chunks.

It’s a matter of perspective I bet because if they are broken up there are way more paragraphs but each paragraph is smaller. If they aren’t broken up there are way less paragraphs but each paragraph is bigger. At the end of the day it’s the same amount of words.

It’s really so flipping fascinating how many different ways you can view something. And that’s why we all are I think. Each one of us represents a different specific viewpoint on the world.

Yesterday I had such a wonderful day by myself. I played the piano twice. That brought me immense joy. I am so glad I did it. I have forgotten all about the flat tire now because when I go downstairs I have this instrument that I can obsess over and learn as much as I want to about. It’s very exciting. A nice thing to have right now during these strange times…

I have many things that I know about myself. One of the main ones is that I am meant to do things my own way. Literally everything. There might be the one way and then the other way to do something and then there will be a 3rd option – my way.

Sometimes it can be hard because I also love to learn about other people’s experiences to help me figure out how to chart my path.

I wonder this quite often – does everyone really grasp how individual we are? Because I am obsessing over it at times like – wow. I really am on my own here. There is NO prescribed way of life. None. It’s as liberating as it is fearful.

And some days it’s like WOWW I REALLY AM ON MY OWN HERE!!! I can do what I please. There are layers to that but at the simplest form it’s that – we are free to do what we choose. How do we choose?

That’s my flipping obsession lol. HOW DO WE CHOOSE? In my choreographic work – Two Can Do – I keep grappling with this question of choice  – what do we do with it? I want to get rid of it completely. Within the context of Two Can Do that’s what I want to do – I want to get rid of it COMPLETELY. Because I can feel it so deeply – there is this magical feeling that swoops in and takes control of the situation when we both deeply accept, allow and believe. There is some other force that makes the choices. And it keeps us safe whilst allowing us to experience something that we couldn’t have ever imagined what it felt like until we knew what it felt like!

LOL WOW. It’s so amazing. It really goes to show me how I need to let go of any ideas I have about how my life should be because what I deeply and truly want is for life to be more beautiful and true for me than I could ever imagine with my own mind. I have always been a bit skeptical of visualization. I feel like it’s something that feels forced.

But at the same time we are constantly visualizing. That’s what our minds do. So I recognize the value in it because if it’s going to happen anyway then it may as well be beneficial.

Yesterday in Anatomy of the Spirit I read a question that asked me – Do I pray for help with an outcome that I desire or am I able to say “I will do whatever Heaven directs me to do?”

CHOICE. That blew my mind. I get so attached to outcomes even though I tell myself that I don’t and I work away from that. I do not think that I am truly able to say “I will do whatever Heaven directs me to do” because what if it hurts? What if it’s not what I thought I wanted?

WHAT IF IT’S BETTER? What if it’s better, B? This is it. I have a gate in my human design chart – Gate 63 – it’s the Gate of Doubts… I also have a gate – Gate 64 – the Gate of Confusion – so basically I have the ability and gift of seeing all of the possibilities and all of the potential things that might go wrong and then the gift is to see all of that. Apparently that’s a gift LOL but I have to sift through it all to get to some clarity. It can be VERY overwhelming for me. And also I feel I can get stuck there. So it stops me from pondering – well, what if it IS better?

Two Can Do has taught me that – there is something that IS most certainly better – it is liberating, it is joyful, it is alive. It really is so super present and almost magical in its presence.

I want to live like that. All the time.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

** Photo taken by Erris Burke in Bearna, Galway, Ireland. Heavenly really.

 

 

Shower thoughts and showers of thoughts

I learn a lot about myself, but how much do I experience of myself?

OHHH man some days I can’t stop crying. Some days I just can’t stop. I feel that I don’t cry enough on a regular basis or something because it comes in floods and then it helps SO MUCH.

I have so much that I want to share. One can say that my internal world is veryyyy active.

Here are a few things –

Asking people how they are seems as though it has become futile. People either just ask it because it’s the standard thing and then people respond back with good, thanks or fine, thanks and you? OR people just DON’T ask – period. Like they will just text ya with whatever they want to say – no intro to the convo.

I am HUGE on asking people how they are. To the point where I can sometimes feel the awkwardness on the phone when I ask how people are and they are like… why are you asking me this… LOL BECAUSE I ACTUALLY WANT TO KNOWWWW.

Most of the time it goes off like a basic transaction that we’ve been conditioned to have. But what I know about myself is this – if you said ANYTHING else – anything at all – I’d be here for it. I’d ask you about it or I’d respond to you in a sensitive way. I care about that. I care about sharing our human experience. I care SO DEEPLY about sharing our human experience.

And some days I just bawl. Because I feel that no one cares about my human experience.

Wow. That’s really it. I sit there inside my head – and I wonder – who the hell cares about my human experience? Is there anyone?

Recently – in the past 2 years – I lost two of the main people who I feel TRULY cared about my human experience.

Without them – I am slowly (I wish it was a little faster LOL) coming to realize that there is a gaping hole there because I haven’t quite learned to care about MY OWN human experience.

Like… I can ask myself – B, how are you? HOW ARE YOU? And say anything back to myself – and know that I’d care.

And in periods of my life where I stop writing (self-sabotage) – it’s harder to get it out. In days of my life where I don’t walk and can talk to myself – it’s hard to get it out.

So today – I decided to remember that I always have me. Instead of worrying about who I don’t have.

I will probably have this choice 10000000000 more times. And I hope that I make the right choice more and more.

I believe I will.

Having me doesn’t mean I don’t have anyone else. Having me means I can have even more people because I don’t NEED anyone else.

OHH PLEASE Universe I am on this path and I want it.

What do I have to let go of? So many fears. I know. And some people and some things and some ideas about life. And some shame and some guilt. And some awful memories and some old wounds.

And what happens if I don’t? I have this HUGE fear – this is the worst one – besides dying – that I won’t get it. That I won’t ever get it and I won’t ever figure it out.

Oyyyy that really gets me. That really holds me back from living. Stops me from experiencing myself. I just think about myself.

All damn day. No wonder why I am so wrecked LOL TGGGGG for yoga.

Thanks though. Thanks for this space.

Talk soon,

 

B-

**Photo credit: Erris Burke

So where did you go?

I feel you, I go back to that moment when you touched my shoulder and you said, “I’m gonna get drunk at your house on Christmas.” Weren’t we all so desperate to recreate Thanksgiving? That longing for belonging. I can’t be sure, but I think that the alcohol killed you as much as it soothed you. I can’t see you anymore. There is pain in that realization.

Did you know? That’s what I always wonder. I accept it though. I accept that I will be missing you forever. My biggest fan. My guardian angel. My forever favorite. You and I  – we have the biggest <3s. Yours couldn’t take the hurt. This I’m sure of. I hope you have peace now. I honor you every day. I am fearless when I am reminded of what you could always see in me. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for living. My example.

I have always had a curiosity and a deep interest in talking about things… things that I learned as I grew older that no one seems to really talk about. Like actually talk about them.

I learned to quiet myself and to stop myself from bringing many things up. Recently I found myself feeling bitter. And saying – when do I get to talk about the things I want to talk about?

It has led me to feel bitterness towards the simple things in life. I know this is wrong. Because I know how much of a deep appreciation I have for genuinely all of life and every single person that I come across and even those whom I do not know.

I marvel at how at any given moment there are BILLIONS of us doing things all at the same time. It’s quite extraordinary.

But yet I still feel this sense of bitterness when I look around at all of the people in my life and think – who do I have to talk to?

And by that I mean – about the things that IIIIIII want to talk about.

These past 2 years have been such a journey for me with regards to the path of self-discovery that I have been on for the past decade. The past 6 months have been that times 1000000 LOL>>>>> INTENSE. For real.

But also clearing and healing and alsoooooo a deeper trust and relationship with myself has emerged. I can talk to myself about the things I want to talk about. I can talk here about the things that I want to talk about and I feel sure now that I will encounter people who also want to talk about these things the more that the world knows that these are things that matter to me and these are topics of discussion that I feel are important.

So I feel good now about being able to share my thoughts and feelings about the things that truly and deeply interest me. To the point of fascination really and also sometimes to the point of despair.

Death. Death for example is a huge topic that I feel I’ve almost never had an honest conversation about. So now here I am in my 20s wrapping my head BIG TIME around the fact that we are all going to die. When I was a child I felt almost as if I could escape it. I remember thinking about it then and just feeling like oh well that won’t happen for FOREVER. But I also remember having a HUGE fear of one of my parents dying.

I feel that for me a lot of fear comes from the unknown. And how I ease those fears is usually by reading, talking and learning about whatever it is that I am scared of so I can prove it wrong or come to accept it once I know more about it.

I don’t remember learning anything about death. It was so mysterious. SUPER  mysterious like where the hell do all of these people go? Besides in the ground. Which also freaked me out because I wanted to know what happened to them there too. I hesitated in my research for years and I will say I still feel I don’t know too much about that process because in many ways – learning about death is accepting my own.

I listened to a podcast yesterday – Coming Out with Lauren & Nicole – and on it one of the guests was talking about how she had come out to herself first but up until that point she had loads of feelings that she wasn’t sure what to do with. Loads of feelings that she didn’t necessarily feel ready to accept yet.

Nuance. Nuances are plenty in this life. But there seems to be none in death.

Death is final.

What that made me think of though was that there are so many feelings that come up for me with regards to death and sometimes I don’t feel ready to accept them. I have been VERY deeply investigating this work now though. Since Christmas 2018 when my Uncle died very unexpectedly. Unexpectedly to us anyway. But I KEEP wondering if he knew.

I feel that I’ve been given some hard knocks in this life. For sure. And for the most part I allow them in and I learn from them and they become a part of my human experience and give me knowledge or help me to reconnect with a part of my wisdom.

This though … for a while I just felt like this was so flipping unfair.

I feel like the black sheep in my family. Not as much anymore – it’s not to say that I am not the black sheep because I probably still am but I don’t FEEL it as much anymore. But we also don’t have much of a family structure anymore.

A big extended family fell apart about 5 years ago and it’s been a shit storm ever since.

But this – I felt like a black sheep and I felt my Uncle did too because he was. He could always see in me what I feel I wasn’t able to see in myself.

He would encourage me, no matter what path I was on. And I appreciated that SO much.

I wondered if he had ever had that -maybe not. Probably not. I feel he had to go it alone for most of the time that he carved his path on this Earth.

Up until his death I had been very lucky in the sense that things for the most part went the way you thought they would – the oldest people were dying first. And it felt like the natural order of life. A few years back my other Uncle died and that was quite a shock. It was very upsetting to me. But this hit me very hard because our relationship was different.

He was the one person in this whole family who I felt was there for me. Who understood me who got me who supported me no matter what. Who literally would brag about me as if I were the most special person in his life EVEN if I was selling dirt on the street LOL. I don’t know what I did to deserve that but I am grateful.

I think we forget that we deserve many many many things simply because we exist. That is the way this works. You were given life. And I was given my life and because of that I am deserving of all that a human life can offer. This includes love and admiration and amazing relationships.

So like… where the hell did you goooooo man!!?!!

And here’s the thing – I can research other fears and things that I have and usually prove them wrong within a decent amount of time because we seem to have answers for lots of things. But  NOW I am getting to questions that THERE IS NO ANSWER TO UNTIL YOU KNOW. You don’t know until you know.

I know that there are people out there who have experienced near-death. I feel I might read more about that. I’ve read a bit about it. I also know there are people out there who have super strong beliefs about what happens after death and I wonder how that makes them feel.

Either way it happens for me or any of the many ways in between – I need to and deeply desire to accept death and my own eventual death.

I feel this is necessary for me to allow myself to LIVE.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

** Photo was taken in Erris, Ireland – by the infamous Erris Burke

Feelings I love

The other day as I was meditating, a memory flashed into my mind about a January day in 2017. I was on my way back to Ireland after a 5 week stay at home for the holidays. I had just finished my Masters and was celebrating that accomplishment. I was also in love. Deeply in love.

I felt literally on top of the world that day on the plane because I knew that when it landed my love would be there waiting for me. As I got off, went through customs and made my way into the airport – I was greeted with the happiest face waiting for me so that we could take the bus together. The feeling – was something like that excitement and joy that brings tears to your eyes mixed with the feeling that comes when you feel like you know that something exciting is about to happen but you have no idea what it is even though you also feel like you’ve known it your whole life.

Tingly, happy, joyful, tearful, warmth and excitement. I love that feeling. I cried as I remembered it because I LOVED that moment. And I loved it in the moment of remembering as much as I hope that I loved it when it was actually happening.

It got me thinking about a few of the other feelings I like. So I want to share them.

You know the acronym – TFW? It’s super popular on the socials. I always wondered what the HECK this stood for – I just couldn’t figure it out hahah and if you are reading this and you know me, then you KNOW that I love a good abbreviation or acronym for things.

So it means “that feeling when”. And it feels appropriate to use it now – here are a few of my faves:

TFW…

… the timer is about to go off letting you know that your pizza is ready

… you step outside and the sun comes out from behind a cloud and shines on your face to welcome you to the day

… you step into the shower and let the warm water wash the cold off your skin

… climbing into your bed after a long day

… getting BACK into your bed after you get up to pee

… taking a nap in the afternoon

… staying in bed on a day where you don’t have to get up

… smelling hot chocolate right before you take the first sip

… sitting down at a restaurant in front of someone who you are excited to see

… toasting to something you are happy about

… getting a hug from someone who makes you feel loved

… you are so in love with someone that you can’t help but smile till your face hurts

… you laugh so hard that you just want to keep talking about the same thing so you can keep laughing

… curling up on the couch to watch your favorite show

… pulling the blanket up rightttt underneath your chin

… being tucked in by someone you love (#nobedbugs)

… catching the full moon by accident

… holding hands – you know the kind of holding hands where you intertwine fingers and clasp palms

Speaking of… another joyful memory – the previous summer to the first story – after a full summer of not seeing each other, but knowing that we were in love – only took like 2 weeks to figure that part out for me anyway… we waited to see each other again for the whole summer.

When we did – we met at a familiar place to take the walk back to my house. On the way back we clasped hands. Fingers intertwined and palms touching, I was reminded instantly of the deep love that had never gone away. And also of a time a few months back when I could feel two heartbeats almost coming together – through our hands.

You know when you can feel your pulse somewhere else in your body? I felt it through our two hands. It was beautiful.

When we clasped hands that summer’s eve – it was magic. The beginning of pure magic.

Those are the kind of feelings I love with every fiber of my being. The first sip of hot chocolate, catching the full moon by accident, curling up on the couch to watch my show, fall in love and smile till your face hurts because someone who you love is waiting for you at the airport kind of feelings.

You deserve them. I deserve them. Let’s soak them up. This is what life is about.

Joy to all and peace in your hearts. Be well dear friends.

 

Talk soon,

 

B-