Words left unsaid… art.

In case you ever needed to know …

 

What’s left unsaid is something like this:

 

You are absolutely incredible.

If you could only see what you bring to this world you would never hesitate to give yourself all of the best things that life has to offer.

Whatever you feel is perfectly okay. So let yourself feel it because it is you.

If you don’t want it to be you, I think you still have to feel it anyway because then you can let it go.

Sometimes when I think about you and how you carry yourself through life, tears come to my eyes.

Whenever we part ways I look back and wonder if I treated you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Because you deserve the world.

Abundance is your birthright.

Creation is your birthright.

You were born to be exactly who you are. Let that be enough.

To me, it is more than enough, it is stellar.

The winter is long, but the darkness comes regardless of the season.

So when that darkness comes, just remember that what’s left unsaid is something like this:

Your light shines as brightly as the brightest stars in the brightest universe.

No matter how many layers of dust surround it, or perhaps the lampshades or curtains covering it, that light of yours shines brightly regardless.

Though it may be covered by the layers of conditioned life, that really is all it is, just a covering.

Nothing can turn the light switch off without your permission.

So I hope that you remember this always – even when I’m not able to remind you …

Your light is worthy of the sun, moon and stars combined.

Your spirit the essence of pure anglicism.

Your being the embodiment of creation and energy.

 

Your humanity is ethereal.

Look in the mirror and like what you see because what is left unsaid is… art.

YOU are a work of art.

Always remember that in faith and love.

I hope that you know I wish you the best always and I think nothing less than the world of you.

 

Sometimes you just need to read the words that are left unsaid. Here they are for whenever you need them.

 

Sending you a big tight hug, always.

 

Love,

B-

Gratitude for a love.

A love that makes me feel small. That makes me feel big.

A love that makes me feel it all and also makes me feel nothing.

A love in between dualities.

Allowing both sides of the coin to exist at once and in so doing – if I am open enough to realize it – I can live in the peace of the middle ground.

 

The peace of allowing both to exist at once.

 

Did we? As two people – allow both to exist at once? We were starting to figure that out.

I have tremendous gratitude for that lesson.

Co-existence without co-dependency. Co-existience with two full existences.

 

It hurts to miss.

To miss the person.

To miss the idea.

To actually miss the love.

I have never felt this way before. To miss a love is a tremendous burden on the heart.

I am sorry to carry this burden but I’m scared to say Ouch.

Ouch.

 

Still tied to what was and what could have been. I know that this is a process of confusion because my mind needs to be allowed to be confused before it can be clear. Many different points of data exist within the inner landscape of my mental.

And I just think … what about you?

Where do you go? What do you do? Without me.

 

So what am I grateful for? Can it be as simple as to say everything? Yes. But can it as full as to say everything and leave it at that. No – that is not full.

Full is this –

Stepping barefoot onto the perfectly tempered sand, beautifully soft and smooth, tiny fine grains warmed to the perfect temperature, the temperature that travels up your whole body and warms it, reminding us of the miracle that we are here. Looking up to realize that there exists a sea of infinite possibility ahead if we just travel through the sand to reach it. If we dive in then we might just swim. All the while, there is the sun, beaming down in support of every single step, no matter how small, how big, how crooked, how unbalanced, how careless, reckless or unknowing, the sun is there. Beaming down in support of the energy that dwells within, of the freedom to make choices and the belief that each one leads to the next, there is no wrong way except to cut yourself off.

Full.

 

Under the same sun. Under the same stars.

 

Gratitude for a love ,

Belief. Grief

Belief makes things real.

 

Does acceptance make them real?

As it rains down, on my first day of yoga teacher training, I am reminded of a theory I developed recently  – that it might rain on all of the important days of my life. Maybe not forever… but I forgot about it until today – this evening, when it started raining.

It rained on the 31st of December and then it rained again on the 5th of January. It rained today.

I know you are here but the truth is that you are supposed to be HERE. Here … in Atlanta actually. That hurts my heart.

I don’t know what I am going to write when I sit down to write anymore. That is the best time for writing for me. Speaking my soul through my fingertips.

 

You inspire me. You really do. But every single day I wonder about what it means to be here and now I can’t help but think about why these things have to happen in order for me to really allow myself to think about what it means to be here.

 

Maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for the process of doing that throughout my life. But now that I have witnessed an Earthly life at it’s end I feel that I have been given a new understanding of …

I threw away a piece of writing a couple of weeks ago. You inspired that.

I don’t think I have ever thrown away anything that I’ve written. I am so afraid of letting go of things … Am I ? Well I wonder that to be honest with you because when I actually threw away that piece of writing – I knew I had to because it had things on it that I wanted to let go of. As I held on to it while I walked – looking for the right trash can to throw it in (as if there is a “right” trash can to throw away your angry thoughts) – I reminded myself that I have never thrown away any piece of writing before.

There is this image of what it means to be a writer that I have in my head – of a person writing and writing and writing and just throwing loads of pages on the floor, into the garbage whatever – just writing and discarding – I couldn’t ascribe to that identity of a writer because I do not throw my writings away.

Except that day. It actually felt great to do that but I haven’t done it since.

You can’t throw away the things you write on the internet. How do things reach you ? Through the internet or am I better off burning them and hoping that the essence of the fire gets to you?

Not every thought that runs through my mind feels worth sharing, but it feels sometimes like if I don’t get them out then they will all pile up somewhere in the room of my brain.

This week I learned that I am allergic to dust mites. Now I have an image of my brain, as a room (thanks to my yoga teacher training meditation today), that is filled with dust and dust mites.

Just like my life right now I have to clean up all of the dust. It has settled in ways.

But I’m still not too sure that the dust of your passing has settled yet.

I have learned so much in the span of these past few weeks. It hasn’t even been a month yet but I have been awakened. Eyes wide open in accepting the realities of what life is like now.

Eyes wide open. Living life and learning something new in each passing minute is how I feel that these past few weeks have been for me.

But clarity is coming more in my body than it is in my mind. You already know these things I’m sure because I talk to you about them. It feels nice to have an angel up there who I know. That is a reality for me. But accepting that reality makes me feel many things because it means accepting your passing.

I have to. And I do.

Today I decided that I am going to radically completely accept myself.

Radically completely. So… radically and completely.

Completely implies the passing of time I think. And radically implies the immediacy of time I think.

So in embracing the paradox of accepting oneself I have decided to accept myself radically completely.

Immediately and over time.

Learning from your life has been the greatest blessing I have received in a long while. I wonder how I got so lucky to be blessed with a heart like yours.

I can see how it might have been hard for you to live with this heart because I can feel mine now; so quickly change from feeling calm to feeling pressured. Literal pressure in my heart. I have to remind myself I have nothing to prove.

I love to write you see, I really do and I just wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

I love to make dance as well, I feel that my work has a place in this world but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

And I think…. but this I know is where my need to prove myself holds me back… I think that I know I love to dance too.

I believe I can be abundant, make a lot of money, have a great life … but I wonder how much my need to prove myself is holding me back.

It’s in my heart. How did you do it? Repetition is a beautiful escape for me.

Yet at many times in my life I find myself with a chaotic routine in this life.

Where are you ya know? I wonder that.

But then I feel you and I hear you and so I suppose that is… well it just is.

 

Requesting a bear hug please.

Talk soon,

B-

 

Always be mindful of your ability to fly.

My blood is flowing with hot chocolate. Is hot chocolate an acceptable coping mechanism?

I wonder that. It makes me feel cozy. It makes me feel warm and it tastes delicious. It reminds me of being a child and it feels like something that you can look forward to.

It can be served alone or with other things. But it just stands perfectly on its own.

 

I like that.

 

I haven’t been writing lately and I think that’s because I don’t want to write the stuff of emotions and half thoughts. A lot of things have been happening in my life and I haven’t had time to reflect on them. Still haven’t…

But the desire to write is burning within me just like a campfire. It is something that needs to be fed with oxygen yet lately I feel as though I can’t breathe.

So maybe that’s why I don’t write.

We all have lessons we need to learn about ourselves in our lives – right? That’s what I think anyway. And I feel that I am learning lesson after lesson these past few months but not realizing just yet what exactly I have learned. I like to share the stuff of reflection through my fingertips. That’s why I don’t write these days.

This time can be a difficult time for many of us. As much as it can also be such an exciting and beautiful time, when we identify with the emotional wave of life then we can expect to have high-highs and low-lows. It’s only natural. You can’t go up and up and up forever. In the same vein you cannot go down and down and down forever either.

On a microscale though – these days of my life – these past few months- have been up and down by the seconds really. Because I realized that I am identifying with the emotional state of life around me.

No need.

 

There is no need.

We, each and everyone of us. And this is something that I REALLY WANT TO TAKE IN AS I WRITE… please universe… (you know I write these things for me right? I really write these things down because I need to share my stories so I can learn)

So I get caught up in little tiny things – the way another person is feeling, the way someone looked at me, the way a comment in passing made me feel. And then because of that I will go and seek out someone who is super happy to be around, someone who loves me to look at me. Or that same person to comment and just make me feel great.

Well sometimes in life you have to let go of those things. The good ones – right … Sometimes in life you have to let go of those good influences in your life because they either leave, or cannot be with you for good reasons, or pass away. These things happen.

And we have to accept. I have to accept and try my best. But in doing so I realize – if I can learn to cope with letting go of the most beautiful things in this life, for good reason of course (no self-sabotage here please), then why can’t I just let go of the opposite side of the coin?

They are not necessarily the “Bad” things but by default they are in this example because I mentioned letting go of the good things.

The point is – we can fly my friends.

Things are holding us down – good or bad they are all the same. The only difference is how they make us feel. We don’t have to identify so much with our feelings if we can just learn to accept that they will cycle through our lives for our ENTIRE lives… there will never be an end to that because this is how emotions flow. And emotions bring energy. We don’t have to identify with any of that.

So snip those ties and let them fall away. Because what’s left is that you will be able to rise above. Not to be above anyone else, but just to realize that within your own self there is a piece of magic that is always there. Never going anywhere.

And neither are the things/places/people you might detach from/identify with. It’s not to say you cannot have things and places and people in your life. What I’m learning is that all of these things will exist no matter what, but I choose how I see them and I choose how I identify with them. I may detach from family in my own ways but love them just the same. Detaching from the identity I have been given as a child allows me to come back to them as myself and see their love for what it is. Well it almost does lol but that is the hope. I’m learning. You can still be here but not have to be so attached to things that you don’t identify with anymore. Let the things go – if the good things can go and you can survive – let the other things go and you can be free.

 

In this time of wildness – both beauty and grace and pressure and haste – we can choose to snip those ties and to be here enjoying the waves but not surfing them.

I don’t like to surf. I never have. Some people do. Think about it – if you are not meant to be a surfer it’s okay. Because you can still fly. We all can. Every single one of us. Just remember that there are things that are for you in this world and things that aren’t because they are for someone else.

It’s not easy at all some times. Especially around these holiday times. A friend said this to me – “lots of forced family time”. It is true. Many of us come together with our families and it doesn’t always feel harmonious. The harmony lives within each and every one of us though.

A harmony is created by many singing different notes. Different. Notes. Not the same.

 

So the message is this – never be afraid to sing your own note.

 

And always be mindful of your ability to fly. Sever those ties and allow yourself to be free.

 

Happy Holidays with much love,

B-

#SundayStories Walking into the Unknown

That’s it. Walking into the unknown. Today I did a job that I knew that I could do and do well, but I’ve never done it before. And today all day I learned new things that somehow I felt like I already knew when I learned them (some of them anyway). So what it is about walking into the unknown that really scares us?

Me. I should just say me. It scares me. I don’t know if it scares you. But it scares the living (rhymes with spit) out of me. If I really think about it, my biggest fear is dying. I am afraid to die. Why? I kept asking myself why… and the reason is because we actually have no idea what it’s like. It’s completely unknown.

Blahhhhhhhhhh that is freaky isn’t it ?!

But sometimes in life, we can walk into the unknown and embrace it completely. When I have that feeling I think it’s just like I said up there – it’s like I actually already knew it. Feels like… not so unknown in the doing. But really feels unknown in the anticipation or the preparation.

When it doesn’t exist yet it feels unknown. But the second something begins to exist – a thought or an experience or anything really – then the unknown-ness of it just seems to transform into knowing-ness. Are those words? Can you just really make up your own word in the English language by adding a -ness to it?

Sunday-ness. Today has a lot of Sunday-ness. lol what. Anyway I just think that talking about the unknown is really a relief for me because it is one of those things that also can be hard to talk about. Because in a way it’s almost indescribable. It’s that indescribable fear that you don’t have a reason for but you fear it so much, more than anything. It’s the unknown.

I think about all the times that I can express my feelings – very clearly – of fear. It’s not hard for me to admit that I’m scared of something or scared to do something.

But what is rare is my ability to articulate what it is… other than my saying that I’m scared because “I don’t know…”. I add on any number of unknowns that add to my overall fear of just not flipping knowing what the FLIP is going to happen in a certain turn of events.

Well this is why people seem to recommend being here right now… right?

What is there to be afraid of if you are just here right now and only doing what you’re doing right now.

Well basically there s everything to be afraid of in that – because the safety of what’s “known” and “comfortable” disappears the second you decide to commit WHOLLY to everything that is happening right now. Once you do that you relinquish any attachment to knowing what might happen next based on what happened before now.

What a sticky peanut butter with no jelly sandwich. That is sticky man. So sometimes I want a little jelly. And actually the jelly of life is where right now resides. I think anyway.

So how about a jelly sandwich?

I’ve been up since 530 am today.

But it’s Sunday and Sunday is my favorite day of the week. It’s the day that I purposefully set time aside to share and to write and to let my stories flow from my fingertips – from my heart really. I learned in class a few days ago that the nerves up in your thoracic spine are the ones that connect directly to your arms – and that the nerves of your heart connect to your arms. Something like this. I should fact check myself. But the point is that your heart is connected to your arms in a very direct way through our biology. So basically if i just let these words flow out without allowing myself  the time to ponder or to feel like I really have to share something profound, then I type from my heart.

That feels important. Especially in an instance like this where I will say that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing today but also every idea that I knew exactly how to do it and I was able.

How funny is that – I had no idea. Never done it before in my life. But there’s something about knowing yourself that allows you to determine – if you give yourself enough space – whether you know that you can do something or not.

So it’s another duality. Known versus unknown. The scale of one is only defined in its relation to each other.

What happens if the both disappear?

We can just be here I suppose right?

Talk soon,

B-