The biggest leap of faith…

So here I am… at the airport … waiting till the last possible moment to give birth to this damn post lol because it carries so much weight – why it does it feel like the weight of the world is in one little phrase?

Well heres what Im figuring out – when the phrase is this-

Thank you.

I’m so grateful.

When it’s this and it comes from a place where you have to justify it – this is what happens when I start to realize how FREAKING happy I am and how excited I feel to be waiting to get on the plane to Ireland now, thinking about how I got to this point and the support of all of the beautiful people who have been a part of this journey so far.

Its one of those moments where there are no words… but actually…. there are.

No words in my head that can suffice to describe what I feel because what I feel is in my heart.

Oh man everyone I cant even believe that this is about to happen – this journey is finally here and Two Can Do is going on tour. I am going on tour. I did this and I am doing this. Sometimes it feels like I could laugh about it all because I never could have predicted that I would be doing this now. When I first flew to Ireland 7.5 years ago I had no idea that my life would be forever changed by a place that lit my heart ablaze with a spark of spirit that I didn’t even know I had yet somehow felt like I was meeting myself again. That spirit has lit a fire in me that burns so brightly to this day because it brought me here. To claiming my identity as an artist. To sharing my vision and committing to it. To asking for help, and to receiving it in heaps. I kept saying to myself – I cannot believe it. But now as I sit here, waiting to get on the plane and waiting for it to hit me that this is really happening I realize – wait- its been here this whole time. All I had to do was believe it. What does that take? Well I know I have to get there myself but honestly what has helped me beyond measure is seeing the belief in me that has come from others through supportive messages, emails, hugs, donations, reviews, and supportive energy that is allowing me to see myself reflected in others. The more I believe, the more I see how much others also believe. Thank you soo much everyone for allowing me to see myself in you. There’s just one more thing I want to share with you:

Walking in the dark has never felt more right in my entire life, thank you all for the flashlights, torches, lighters and neon signs along the way.

And thank you… infinitely for being by my side while I took the journey to realize that my phone has a flashlight too… and accept the blessing that the light to lead the way to the next step comes from me… And you could all see it. Thank you for being patient with me and supporting me while I learn to accept that I can see it for myself. Now I am… we are… unstoppable.

Thank you all so much for being there. Here we are at the beginning of this next chapter. Cannot wait to share all of the news and excitement with you.

So these words… are just it. Thank you all so much. I feel like I won the lotto. I am a millionaire

We only need 635.31 dollars to cover our expenses- it’s amazing. And I have full belief that we will achieve that.

If you would like to contribute to the last stretch please visit our fractured atlas page.

Talk soon,

B-

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Float float float

Float float floating finger tips upon the keys it’s honestly one of my favorite things to do with my time. Some days I just want to allow myself to be sucked into the world of the internet. It’s like this energy that is the illusion of what we all have as human beings. An interconnectedness that we have mistakenly taken to heart through the internet but really that’s what we have if we just look around us.

 

Sometimes I just want to let my fingertips guide me because I really can feel that there is so much that wants to come out. Listening to John Mayer, typing away over here with my blankets. I like to lay on my bed during the day -it’s made, but I have two blankets that I cuddle with. It feels like cheating or something haha. You know like when you really just want to eat something greasy and delicious or something but instead you have guacamole and it does the job?

 

There is a lot of patience that is riding on the things I want to do next. But also I keep thinking – am I going big enough? This thought has been planted as a little seed in my head recently.

 

Feeling braver than yesterday though so there we go. John Mayer really just gets me with his lyrics. I really feel him on a lot of the things he used to write about. I’m not sure about his new stuff because I haven’t been following. I let this playlist go on for a while though whenever I am in this mood. It used to be a mood of desperation but has since migrated to a mood of pensiveness and a mood of deep relaxation that leads to stillness in the body. I have been so exhausted today.

 

My solar plexus chakra has been off. I received a reiki treatment on Friday and that is where I learned this information. I also felt the tremendous release of that excess when she worked that area. It was a very emotional experience for me because I imagined it like this:

 

She had opened up the cauldron of my solar plexus – a big black cauldron with steaming yellow smoke coming from it (yellow is the color of this chakra – the 3rd) and all of a sudden loads of smoke was billowing out and into a black hole beside me.

 

I could see the smoke bubbling up and forming memories and thoughts and words of self-doubt and expectation and perfection, of achievement, success, pressure, lack of confidence, many of the things that I have done to myself for as long as I can remember, just billowing out of my energetic body like smoke stacks.

 

I felt like crying because I realized that all of that was stuck inside of me. And what was it doing really? What was the purpose you know?

 

I am conflicted between needing to understand my past and not needing to. I want to dream bigger, think bigger, be bigger – there are things at the core that have been shaken and have been twisted throughout my life.

Twisted roots or not I am here and I feel great about that.

 

Every day – I am here so far. I believe in Two Can Do. It is going to change the world. I believe in my writing… it too is going to change the world.

I am the world. The world is in me. You are the world. The world is in you.

So transform and the world will be transformed.

 

That’s how I know.

There’s something about sitting behind this computer, knowing that as I put these words down on electronic paper, that they are born. Something outside of myself.

The body remembers everything really – so this is why art and expression is essential to humanity. Because if you don’t give it life outside of the illusory boundaries of your body – then it gets stuck in there.

I was so depressed for a while – because my art was stuck inside of me.

 

I hope I never do that again, but if I do, at least I might be able to recognize it a little easier.

Right now I feel like I am on the verge of exploding into the world – do you ever get that feeling?

It starts with writing whatever the hell I want. It starts with that for me. But that’s not for everywhere.

 

It starts with trusting my damn self. Today I have been in bed all day. I can’t remember the last time I did that. And I most certainly cannot remember the last time I did that without being confined to my bed because I was just so sad or low.

This is different.

This is rest. This is planning. This is prepping. This is incubating in the settling of the dusts.

So do people read this and get me? Sometimes I wonder that haha – the thoughts inside this mind of mine have been tumbling around for 28.5 years now and I sometimes think I was born with centuries of thoughts from past lives as well because when these things come out of me I’m not exactly sure where they came from sometimes.

But speaking is my next venture. Allowing the words to float off my tongue as opposed to through my fingertips is the next step.

Conflicting beliefs hold me back sometimes – but honestly WHO CARES hahah – inspired by the song that is on right now – Who Says?

Honestly though … can I please go back to when I was a kid and I knew exactly what I wanted to say and do and exactly how I felt? And on my way can I have a few good meals, make a few new friends and see a few new places?

If you look back – do you ever realize that you’ve done everything you could have ever imagined and then some?

What is your biggest dream? How often do you exercise your imagination?

Is it okay for me to be a writer, a painter, a dancer and a choreographer? Yes.

A dance teacher and a yoga teacher? Yes.

Is it okay for me to completely dis-identify with all the things I “do” and all the things I “am”. YES.

Because then – it’s completely okay to be all of who I am.

I think I should have been born in like … the 1920s or something when life was a bit more focused on the daily grind. That would keep my mind in check lol.

The monkey mind they called it in Yoga Training.

Ironic that I always thought I looked like a monkey hahah. Damn.

 

Hugs and love,

 

Talk soon,

 

B-

To accept what I cannot understand

Alright I’m just going to let this one float out of the fingertips of a gal who has been transforming since … BIRTH hahahah really we all are transforming from the moment we exist. But here is the story – the consciousness of my own transformation has really become a skill I have been developing in this year of 2019 and especially in these past few months.

I want to share as much of it as I can because I really feel like this is what is going to help me to believe that I deserve it and to believe in the best for myself.

Do you ever feel like that? You just keep thinking about something and only to yourself. You never talk about it or tell anyone else about it – you only think it in your head. You don’t even speak it aloud in your own company.

The energy of the Universe is the same energy as our energy. All energy is the same right? So our thoughts are energy – the energy of our thoughts is the same as the energy of the Universe. This is it … right? Well something about speaking – the energy of the voice – seems to me to change the source of where it comes from.

Not that any one source is better than another source. BUTTTT I do feel that when I speak aloud – what I say comes from my heart and soul more than it does my mind. When I think it’s all in my mind. Even when I write it is all in my mind. Hence my struggle at times with writing.

Speaking things into existence – it’s like that is the direct extension to the universe. Whereas thinking them and keeping them inside seems to be an email lol. It’s like… these below are my thoughts lol …

I really want to make it. I want this tour to be successful. I want to let go of the guilt that I feel for being born.

Sent to: theuniverse@gmail.com

Then I write it and it’s a little bit like this … these are my writings …

Here’s the real thing that I discovered this morning – IF it was a mistake … {cut this bit out cuz it’s sensitive to me right now} it’s NOT MY MISTAKE. So there is nothing to forgive for me and so that means there is no reason for the guilt. Right? Right.

I want to write some prayers. I recently connected with this learning – that there is a significant difference between prayer and mediation though they are deeply connected. So I realized that I haven’t been meditating I’ve been praying through visualization. And that words are pictures. They create pictures. So I want to write prayers to help me articulate the images that I want to see.

 

Sent to: connections to the universe through human beings and the internet

Speaking it aloud however – whether it’s to myself or to another – is like this

I AM LEARNING AND I AM LIVING AND I AM INVESTED IN MY LIFE BY DOING 

Sent to: THE UNIVERSE DIRECTLY

What do you think about that?!

Does it work? I sure as hell think it does.

I also want to state this …

Prayer. Meditation. There’s a difference.

  • prayer is words and images – prayer is spoken, thought, prayer is tangible and initiated in the senses of sight, taste and touch
  • meditation – is listening. pure listening and awareness

Here are my prayers: well I haven’t written them yet but I am going to write one now.

I pray I may be filled with courage and faith to reveal myself to the world without fear. I pray that my mind may be free of distractions and my vision be clear. I pray that I may understand what a blessing I am to this world and how amazing it is to be alive. I pray that I may root and blossom with permission to do so simply because I exist.

Oh mannn oh mannn.

I’ve gotten distracted now because my lunch is ready. So I will go and eat.

To any of you angels out there who are thinking the thing – say it. Say it aloud. You deserve it.

I write it here for myself. I deserve it. But so. do. you.

With love always.

 

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

 

 

 

Stories I am letting go of

Life is meant to be free – it really really is. It’s wild to think about and that’s because its so unknown. What is freedom? What is a free spirit?

 

We all are. That is what we were born to be, but how do we actually live that reality? By simply not knowing and knowing all at once. Knowing that it’s true and living in that truth but not knowing how to do it is how we do it.

Embracing the unknown. Damn I am really working on that so much these days.

And you know what I am realizing? Basically I have taken on many many fairy tales to quench my fear of the unknown. So I have basically allowed chapters of my story and full story books to be written based in and around falsities. Not lies, just things that I feel I should be doing or portraying based on my supposed identity in society.

I want to let go of these stories. Just toss them up in to the air and let them explode into energy that can be free to turn into something else.

The fairy tale that allows me to stay stuck in fear basically because of another fear – has to go.

 

It’s one of two things people… this is what I’m figuring out for myself – it’s either

 

Fear of not living up to the fairy tales we associate with, the identity that we are supposed to assume.

OR

Fear of the unknown.

 

Fear of not living up to these tales – means that we can predict for the most part the different ways that this outcome could lie. SO basically I can either live up to it, or not at all or somewhere in between – most of which are all outcomes I can imagine. So if I can imagine it then it is possible.

 

WHY now…. this is what I am asking myself – WHY would I want to spend all of my time trying to live out possibilities of a FAIRY TALE that I DON’T EVEN TRULY SUBSCRIBE TO just because I am afraid that something ABSOLUTELY incredible and unpredictable yet perfectly perfect could happen within the fear of the unknown?

 

Because the risk is HUGE – in the fear of the unknown – the possibilities are INFINITE – infinite possibilities that could be considered “good” but equally infinite possibilities that could be considered “bad”.

 

So I’ll just stick to the fairy tale of Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer – who pretends that she has the same training background as everyone else yet when things don’t happen as effortlessly as they appear to be happening for people around me I know why – because she just started learning to understand her body in that way as an adult (3 years ago really) NOT 25 years ago like she pretends to portray. – NOTTTT- this is a story I am letting go of – because within it I can imagine all of the possibilities of that but that keeps me STUCK in comparison and trying to be somewhere that I am not (yet) and it keeps me from embracing what is already a part of me.

Or Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer who could… but always has the excuse of her having surgery that left her with a right calf muscle that she can and can’t feel depending on the activity – and so that excuse prevents her from trying her best and is literally a crutch in her life. But it’s okay because at least she has that to lean back on when the self-loathing comes in about not being where she wants to be. NOOOOOOOOO thank you. As I type that I am like come on B… you know that if you want to embrace what’s within you, you have to just let these stories go. Your body is amazing and can really recover from anything, can do anything, and you are doing it. So go out there and do your dance… and if you fall out of things, your leg is getting stronger.

 

It’s a fear. It is a fear because the story of perfectionism has littered my life. And left me with the biggest headline of all

” I am not good enough”

because I have been chasing perfection my whole life.

 

The unknown is where I want to be – oh mannnn I could cry when I think about how amazing it could be. The possibilities are ENDLESS.

 

And this fairy tale – I am the perfect child, I am the one who keeps everyone happy, brings everyone together, born first, my job is to make sure everyone is okay – call everyone, visit the elders, host holidays.

 

WHO TELLS ME THIS STUFF – well I struggle – because I know a lot of it is learned through years of my life and also the rest is what happens when I internalize it all.

It is all me right now – and here is the thing I wish for myself above all – this is the story I want

 

Bianca Paige Smith – a free spirit of the world who has learned the skills of acceptance, forgiveness and letting go. An artist by nature, a human being whose energy reflects peace and openness. Her heart is open, she expresses herself through many artistic mediums, dance being one of them, where she is doing her best to embrace the possibilities of what she does not yet know. She does her best, she lives and loves unconditionally and she is her number one biggest supporter.

This is my clear vision. My dream.

Diving deep into the unknown. Ditching the pretending. Ditching the excuses.

 

The news is out – the headlines are in –

Bianca Paige Smith – YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

 

And so are you – if you are reading this – you are a free spirit. Dive into the unknown – we are meant to not know, that is why we are here.

Talk soon,

 

B-

the air is real

On Friday I was given the gift of sight. Seeing. To see.

Really seeing things. Things that exist whether I see them or not you know? But what happened was … I learned how to really see them. I didn’t realize how blurry daily life can be until I took a moment to really see.

What incited this? Breathing. As I took a moment in my favorite place, I allowed my breath to fill me. Not my breath, just breath simply. Oxygen. Can we own our breath? Or is it always borrowed?

I was breathing. Take me back to my breath. As I did that I realized – the air is real. The air is just as real as everything else is. Everything that we can see is as real as air. Everything that we can feel is as real as what we can see. If I need air to live then it must be real.

So if it is, then I am doing a disservice to it’s existence by not seeing it. Now I didn’t realize this at the time, but that’s the beauty of this writing. Its reflective in nature.

I opened my eyes, after no more than a minute of silence, breath and awareness. And I could see EVERYTHING. So clearly. Because I could see the air. And how air defines the edges of everything else that exists in the world around us.

Everything is real and everything is an illusion. I think that’s the way it works.

Just because you can’t “see something” doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That experience, through breath and clear sight, has brought me back here.

Because I was reminded of how beautiful the feeling is when I sit here writing to my community in the air. I cannot see you but I know you exist. And you exist fully, as a whole self, a whole life. Defined by boundaries with things that we can and cannot “see”.

It makes me feel brave again. It makes me want to share again. Without the blur.

Talk soon,

B-