Stories I am letting go of

Life is meant to be free – it really really is. It’s wild to think about and that’s because its so unknown. What is freedom? What is a free spirit?


We all are. That is what we were born to be, but how do we actually live that reality? By simply not knowing and knowing all at once. Knowing that it’s true and living in that truth but not knowing how to do it is how we do it.

Embracing the unknown. Damn I am really working on that so much these days.

And you know what I am realizing? Basically I have taken on many many fairy tales to quench my fear of the unknown. So I have basically allowed chapters of my story and full story books to be written based in and around falsities. Not lies, just things that I feel I should be doing or portraying based on my supposed identity in society.

I want to let go of these stories. Just toss them up in to the air and let them explode into energy that can be free to turn into something else.

The fairy tale that allows me to stay stuck in fear basically because of another fear – has to go.


It’s one of two things people… this is what I’m figuring out for myself – it’s either


Fear of not living up to the fairy tales we associate with, the identity that we are supposed to assume.


Fear of the unknown.


Fear of not living up to these tales – means that we can predict for the most part the different ways that this outcome could lie. SO basically I can either live up to it, or not at all or somewhere in between – most of which are all outcomes I can imagine. So if I can imagine it then it is possible.


WHY now…. this is what I am asking myself – WHY would I want to spend all of my time trying to live out possibilities of a FAIRY TALE that I DON’T EVEN TRULY SUBSCRIBE TO just because I am afraid that something ABSOLUTELY incredible and unpredictable yet perfectly perfect could happen within the fear of the unknown?


Because the risk is HUGE – in the fear of the unknown – the possibilities are INFINITE – infinite possibilities that could be considered “good” but equally infinite possibilities that could be considered “bad”.


So I’ll just stick to the fairy tale of Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer – who pretends that she has the same training background as everyone else yet when things don’t happen as effortlessly as they appear to be happening for people around me I know why – because she just started learning to understand her body in that way as an adult (3 years ago really) NOT 25 years ago like she pretends to portray. – NOTTTT- this is a story I am letting go of – because within it I can imagine all of the possibilities of that but that keeps me STUCK in comparison and trying to be somewhere that I am not (yet) and it keeps me from embracing what is already a part of me.

Or Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer who could… but always has the excuse of her having surgery that left her with a right calf muscle that she can and can’t feel depending on the activity – and so that excuse prevents her from trying her best and is literally a crutch in her life. But it’s okay because at least she has that to lean back on when the self-loathing comes in about not being where she wants to be. NOOOOOOOOO thank you. As I type that I am like come on B… you know that if you want to embrace what’s within you, you have to just let these stories go. Your body is amazing and can really recover from anything, can do anything, and you are doing it. So go out there and do your dance… and if you fall out of things, your leg is getting stronger.


It’s a fear. It is a fear because the story of perfectionism has littered my life. And left me with the biggest headline of all

” I am not good enough”

because I have been chasing perfection my whole life.


The unknown is where I want to be – oh mannnn I could cry when I think about how amazing it could be. The possibilities are ENDLESS.


And this fairy tale – I am the perfect child, I am the one who keeps everyone happy, brings everyone together, born first, my job is to make sure everyone is okay – call everyone, visit the elders, host holidays.


WHO TELLS ME THIS STUFF – well I struggle – because I know a lot of it is learned through years of my life and also the rest is what happens when I internalize it all.

It is all me right now – and here is the thing I wish for myself above all – this is the story I want


Bianca Paige Smith – a free spirit of the world who has learned the skills of acceptance, forgiveness and letting go. An artist by nature, a human being whose energy reflects peace and openness. Her heart is open, she expresses herself through many artistic mediums, dance being one of them, where she is doing her best to embrace the possibilities of what she does not yet know. She does her best, she lives and loves unconditionally and she is her number one biggest supporter.

This is my clear vision. My dream.

Diving deep into the unknown. Ditching the pretending. Ditching the excuses.


The news is out – the headlines are in –

Bianca Paige Smith – YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.


And so are you – if you are reading this – you are a free spirit. Dive into the unknown – we are meant to not know, that is why we are here.

Talk soon,



the air is real

On Friday I was given the gift of sight. Seeing. To see.

Really seeing things. Things that exist whether I see them or not you know? But what happened was … I learned how to really see them. I didn’t realize how blurry daily life can be until I took a moment to really see.

What incited this? Breathing. As I took a moment in my favorite place, I allowed my breath to fill me. Not my breath, just breath simply. Oxygen. Can we own our breath? Or is it always borrowed?

I was breathing. Take me back to my breath. As I did that I realized – the air is real. The air is just as real as everything else is. Everything that we can see is as real as air. Everything that we can feel is as real as what we can see. If I need air to live then it must be real.

So if it is, then I am doing a disservice to it’s existence by not seeing it. Now I didn’t realize this at the time, but that’s the beauty of this writing. Its reflective in nature.

I opened my eyes, after no more than a minute of silence, breath and awareness. And I could see EVERYTHING. So clearly. Because I could see the air. And how air defines the edges of everything else that exists in the world around us.

Everything is real and everything is an illusion. I think that’s the way it works.

Just because you can’t “see something” doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. That experience, through breath and clear sight, has brought me back here.

Because I was reminded of how beautiful the feeling is when I sit here writing to my community in the air. I cannot see you but I know you exist. And you exist fully, as a whole self, a whole life. Defined by boundaries with things that we can and cannot “see”.

It makes me feel brave again. It makes me want to share again. Without the blur.

Talk soon,


#SundayStories Lay off the gas

The way that we do things is who we are. The way we approach things is who we are. Something like this. Our humanity comes through in everything we do.

Every single thing. It’s starting to make sense to me. The idea of what a whole self is and what a whole life is. You bring everything about you… with you… in everything you do.

Driving home from Boston today I had a thought about this. There are two ways to regulate your speed. Driving gives me clarity. An opportunity to see whats right in front of me. I either see brake lights or I don’t.

I wondered why I do and don’t like driving behind certain cars. So like I said… there are two ways to regulate your speed.

You can either press on the brake.

Or let off the gas. A little like life.





Just like everything we do, we bring our approach.

Talk soon


Be magnanimous, darling.

January 1, 2018 – magnanimous – adj. – showing or suggesting a lofty and courageous spirit; showing or suggesting nobility of feeling and generosity of mind : FORGIVING

In an effort to live more magnanimously, I will be looking up one word from the dictionary, every single day this year. I am excited beyond believe about this little project of mine. I shall keep a record of it here. Happy New Year y’all. May you be blessed with magnanimity. Thanks to Cheryl Strayed for the word inspiration.

January 2, 2018 – ebullience- n. – the quality of lively or enthusiastic expression of thoughts or feelings :EXUBERANCE

January 3, 2018 – integrity – n. an unimpaired condition :SOUNDNESS ; firm adherence to a cod of especially moral or artistic values : INCORRUPTIBILITY ; the quality or state of being complete or undivided :COMPLETENESS ; see HONESTY

January 4, 2018 – intention – n. a determination to act a certain way : RESOLVE; purpose with respect to marriage; what one intends to do or bring about, the object for which a prayer, mass, or pious act is offered; IMPORT, SIGNIFICANCE; CONCEPT: a concept considered as the product of attention directed to an object of knowledge; a process or manner of healing incised wounds

January 5, 2018 – splendor – n. great brightness or luster :BRILLIANCY, :MAGNIFICENCE, POMP; something splendid

January 6, 2018 – cadence – n. a rhythmic sequence or flow of sounds in language; the beat, time, or measure of rhythmical motion or activity; a falling inflection of the voice’ a concluding and usual falling strain; specif: a musical chord sequence moving to a harmonic close or point of rest and giving the sense of harmonic completion; the modulated and rhythmic recurrence of a sound especially in nature

January 7, 2018 – motif – n. a usually recurring salient thematic element in a work of art; especially: a dominant idea or central theme; a single or repeated design or color; an influence or stimulus prompting to action

January 9, 2018 – faith – n. allegiance or duty to a person: LOYALTY; fidelity to ones promises; belief and trust in and loyalty to God; belief in the traditional doctrines of a religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof; complete confidence; something that is believed especially with strong conviction; especially a system of religious beliefs; in faith: without doubt or question:VERILY

January 9, 2018 – courage – n. – mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, an withstand danger, fear or difficulty; syn – COURAGE, METTLE, SPIRIT, RESOLUTION, TENACITY

January 10, 2018 – foundation – n. the act of founding ; the basis upon which something stands or is supported; funds given for the permanent support of an institution: ENDOWMENT, an organization or institution established by endowment with provision for future maintenance; an underlying natural or prepared base or support, esp: the whole masonry substructure of a building; a body or ground upon which something is built up or overlaid, a woman’s supporting undergarment: CORSET

January 11, 2018 – timbre- n. the quality given to a sound by its overtones as : the resonance by which the ear recognizes a voiced speech sound, the quality of tone distinctive of a particular singing voice or musical instrument

January 12, 2018 – religion – n. – the service and worship of God or the supernatural; commitment or devotion to religious faith or observance; the state of a religious; a personal set or institutionalized system of religious attitudes, beliefs and practices; archaic: scrupulous conformity : CONSCIENTIOUSNESS; a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith

January 12, 2018 – religious – n. – relating to or manifesting faithful devotion to an acknowledged ultimate reality or deity; of, relating to or devoted to religious beliefs or observances; scrupulously and conscientiously faithful; FERVENT, DEVOUT

January 12, 2018 – spiritual- n. – things of a spiritual, ecclesiastical or religious nature ; a religious song usually of a deeply emotional character that was developed especially among Negroes in the southern US: cap  – any of a party of 13th and 14th century Franciscans advocating strict observance of a rule of poverty for their order

January 14, 2018 – faith – n. allegiance to duty or a person: LOYALTY; fidelity to one’s promises; belief and trust in and loyalty to God; belief in the traditional doctrines of religion; firm belief in something for which there is no proof … WOAH. I Looked ths up already

January 14, 2018 – endurance- n. – PERMANANCE, DURATION; the ability to withstand hardship, adversity, or stress; SUFFERING, TRIAL

January 15, 2018 – complicated – adj. – consisting of parts intricately combined; difficult to analyze, understand or explain : see COMPLEX

January 15, 2018 – complex – adj. – composed of two or more parts : COMPOSITE; hard to separate, analyze or solve

January 16, 2018 – reunite – v. – to bring together again; to come together again : REJOIN

January 17, 2018  – sigh – to take a deep audible breath (as in weariness or grief); to make a sound like sighing: an act of sighing especially when involuntary and expressing an emotion or feeling ; the sound of gently moving or escaping air

January 18, 2018 – flourish – v. to grow luxuriantly; THRIVE; to achieve success: PROSPER; to be in a state of activity or production; to reach a height of development or influence; to make bold and sweeping gestures

January 19, 2018 – inquisitive- adj – given to examination or investigation; inclined to ask questions; especially inordinately or improperly curious about the affairs of others’ see CURIOUS

January 20, 2018 – curious- adj. – careful, inquisitive; made carefully; precisely accurate; marked by desire to investigate and learn; marked by inquisitive interest in other’s concerns: NOSY; exciting attention as strange or novel; a lively desire to learn or know

January 22, 2018 – patient- adj. – bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; manifesting forbearance under provocation or strain; not hasty or impetuous; steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity; able or willing to bear

January 28, 2018 – beautify – v. – to make beautiful or add beauty to : EMBELLISH; to grow beautiful

January 28, 2018 – embellish – v – to make beautiful with ornamentation: DECORATE; to heighten the attractiveness of by adding ornamental details: ENHANCE

January 28, 2018 – gentry – n. – the qualities appropriate to a person of gentle birth esp: COURTESY; the condition or rank of a gentleman; upper or ruling class: ARISTOCRACY; a class whose a class whose members are entitled to bear a coat of arms though not of noble rank; people of a specified class or kind

January 28, 2018 – jealous – adj – intolerant of rivalry or unfaithfulness; disposed to suspect rivalry or unfaithfulness: apprehensive of the loss of another’s exclusive devotion; hostile towards a rival or one believed to enjoy an advantage’ vigilant in guarding a possession; distrustfully watchful: SUSPICIOUS; ENVIOUS

January 28, 2018 – friend- n. – one attached to another by affection or esteem; one that is not hostile; one that is of the same nation, party or group; one that favors or promotes something (as a charity); PARAMOUR; a member of the christian sect that stresses Inner Light; rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war – called also Quaker

January 29, 2018 – contemporary- adj. happening, existing, living, or coming into being during the same period of time : SIMULTANEOUS; marked by characteristics of the present period: MODERN

January 30, 2018 – resolution – n.- the act or process of reducing to simpler form, the act of analyzing a complex notion into simpler ones, the act of answering: SOLVING; the act of determining, the passing of a voice part from a dissonant to a consonant tone or the progression of a chord from dissonance to consonance; the separating of a chemical compound or mixture into its constituents; the division of prosodic element into its component parts; the process or capability of making distinguishable the individual parts of an object, closely adjacent optical images or sources of light; the subsidence of inflammation especially in a long’ a formal expression of opinion, will or intent voted by an official body or assembled group; the point in literary work at which the chief dramatic complication is worked out see COURAGE

February 1, 2018 – daydream – v. – to have a daydream – n. a pleasant visionary usually wishful creation of the imagination

February 1, 2018 – visualize – v. – to make visible as to see or form a mental image of: ENVISAGE; to form a mental visual image – n. visualization – formation of mental visual images; the act or process of interpreting in visual terms or of putting into visible form

February 1, 2018 – opinion – n. – a view, judgement or appraisal formed in the mind about a particular matter; believe stronger than impression and less strong than positive knowledge; a generally held view; a formal expression by an expert of his judgement or advice; the formal expression of the legal reasons and principles upon which a legal decision is based

February 1, 2018 – judgement – n. – a formal utterance of an authoritative opinion; an opinion so pronounced; the final judging of mankind by God, a divine sentence or decision, a calamity held to be sent by God; the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing; an opinion or estimate so formed; a proposition stating something believed or asserted

February 3, 2018 – vacillate – v.  – to sway through lack of equilibrium; FLUCTUATE, OSCILLATE; to waver in mind, will or feeling; hesitate in choice of opinions or courses : HESITATE

February 3, 2018 – vacillation – n. – an act or instance of vacillating, inability to take a stand: IRRESOLUTION, INDECISION

February 5, 2018 – forgive – v. – to cease to feel resentment against (an offender)/; PARDON; to give up resentment of or claim or requital for, to grant relief from payment of, to grant forgiveness: EXCUSE

February 13- homage – n. – a ceremony by which a man acknowledges himself the vassal of a lord; the relationship between a feudal lord and his man; an act done or payment made in meeting the obligations of vassalage; reverential regard: DEFERENCE; flattering attention: TRIBUTE; see HONOR

February 13- earnest- n.- a serious and intent mental state

February 13 -ignorant – adj. – destitute of knowledge or education; lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified; resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence: UNAWARE, UNINFORMED

February 13 – averse -adj. – having an active feeling of repugnance or distaste: DISINCLINED

February 13 – exceptional – adj. – forming an exception: RARE; better tahn average: SUPERIOR; deviating from the norm esp: esp: below average

February 14 – privilege –

February 15 – institution –

February 16 – sphincter –

Weird II Beautiful

Am I going through the motions or being present in the moment? Going with the flow or riding the wave?

It felt surreal to be on the plane all night. And when we landed in Dublin this morning I felt … weird. I usually feel relieved and excited and so many things, that’s just naming a couple. But today I felt nothing. So I don’t think I actually felt weird but I only felt weird in retrospect or in absence of feeling other things I used to feel. So that’s it. I felt nothing but also because of that I have a feeling that this is one step closer to feeling everything – as in every single second – the presence of the present.

I felt nothing but also nothing stopped me then from being here. With me.

The line for customs was long. But luckily I had some reading material. It was a long message from a caring and loving friend. The message stirred up a lot for me and today, until now, I felt the dust has been settling. So what has started to come through, written in the dust reminds me that what we feel and what we interpret are different.

Feeling present and being present are different than labelling what we are feeling in order to understand it, inevitably in the past.

So in my bed on my own tonight, I am left with this and it’s a start.

I should also mention that this friend is not the only friend who reached out to me just to see how I am doing. So thank you to all of the beautiful people, who felt my message. It was for us.