Truth vs reality

Today the first words I spoke were “thank you”.

Then I began to notice that the next four or five times I opened my mouth to speak it was to say thank you or “you’re welcome”.

I walked up to yoga training in absolute reverence for the beauty of those interactions. How lucky am I to have so many things to be thankful for in the first hour of my day.

On my walk I saw a cab completely run over two seagulls. There was a flock of them flying around 9th avenue- I thought that was so beautiful and rare.

The cab completely drove over them as if they weren’t there. I cried for a few blocks as I walked. I kept looking back to see the one seagull who had really been flipped, he was in shock. Just standing there. Neither died, that I know of.

I’m grateful that I allowed myself to be how I felt in that moment.

All too often my vocal chords are sore from holding back tears. Do you ever feel that way? Like your throat hurts – not a sore throat per se but a strained throat.

I felt it this evening while watching Queer Eye on Netflix.

I wonder why I hold myself back from crying. I grew up learning that crying was dramatic and that it didn’t solve any problems, that it only just made things worse for other people if I cried.

It felt so cathartic though to cry over the birds. It feels like a release of trauma. So trauma doesn’t turn into ama – unresolved.

The truth does not always set one free. Holding back the truth of the moment never sets one free. So if you can’t let out the truth of the moment what do you do?

Find gratitude hunnayyyy.

Well this is what I discovered today – even if something is true that doesn’t mean it needs to be in my life if i want something better. We don’t have to accept what is true id what is true isn’t what we want out of life. Acknowledge yes. Accept- not my fairy tale. If it’s not what I want, it needs to be replaced.

So I cried over the beautiful birds. I don’t always let myself be in this way.

I want to give myself a voice though. So here is what I have done today – spoken gratitude over the situation that I cannot control. Gratitude for what is and for what I want to perceive. Learning to believe it until I see it. Creating my reality based on the possibilities of what I can imagine. Sometimes what already exists – the “truth” is not what we want to be our truth. So …byeeeeeeee… ya know ?

Giving myself my own truths. Speak upon them until they appear.

Many many things have arisen today. But what I keep coming back to is this – what happens if the first words we all spoke everyday were – Thank You.

Sincerely,

B

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The letter after the fire

Sometimes I just want to write shit down and then burn it. I really should start doing that. Because writing is really how I express myself.

But I think about this platform – and how grateful I am to have this connection to the universe through cyber space -and I say to myself – I don’t want to take advantage of it by just complaining about all of my bullspit on here.

We need to express ourselves and also to vent. Venting is not self expression. Not to me anyway. So I want to keep this place as a place to express myself.

But where do I vent? I want to write some letters and burn them. That’s what I want to do.

This though – is the letter that I want to be inscribed with my name, the letter that reflects who I am becoming, this is the letter after the fire:

To Whom It May Concern (of whom there are many),

I forgive you for the pain that you have caused me. I forgive myself for letting your words, your actions, your energy, your vibrations, become a part of the fabric of mine. I have to say, it hurt me a lot to hear what you said, to feel what you gave off, to be in your presence at that time and there is a part of me that was holding on to that.

There was a part of me that was identifying myself in the experience of what we had together in those moments of pain. Holding on to those moments because the alternative was letting go, which was something I didn’t yet know how to do.

A feeling like hatred (though I’m not quite sure what this actually feels like) crossed my mind and heart, anger and resentment, along with severe disdain for the moments that impacted my life without my consent. The experiences that were handed to me through no choice of my own. The decisions made for me, the situations I was put in by being around an energy like yours, that is not mine but equally impacted mine as much as my own did because I didn’t know any different.

I let go of the idea that you did this to me. You didn’t do anything to me, I allowed myself to be affected by the things that happened. But sometimes I just want to shout from the rooftops how unfair it feels to realize this when it’s all too late.

Which is why I choose to let go. I choose to forgive. Not for you… but for me.

It is not my problem how you feel about me and my choices, no matter the circumstance. I stand in that power and I stand in that truth now. I choose to let go because the alternative keeps me away from the present.

And I’d like to share what is present for me right now – I am working through some tough shit.

I am doing the inner work, every single day. I am learning to love myself again, to talk to myself in an empowering way. To say to myself on a daily basis that I am supported, that I am incredible, that I can achieve anything I want because I am connected.

To combat what I have heard and what I have felt up until this point… this is the work I am doing now. It doesn’t have time for me to have petty conversations with myself or anyone else about what could have been if I would have known better or about what could possibly happen in your presence going forward.

I stand in my power now. Knowing that letting go and forgiving is the best thing I can do for myself today and every day.

I forgive you. You didn’t know. I forgive me. I didn’t know. Sometimes I still feel anger inside but I am grateful for this reminder because it only allows me to go deeper in this work. The work of being human.

The work of realizing that the limitation is this – we cannot change anything that has passed, but we can create our reality which creates our future. My reality has more of me in it than anyone or anything else. So simple and so obvious isn’t it? Well, that is news to me and it is the best news I have heard in a while.

I wish you love and peace, as I loosen the grip, cut the ties and wrap them around my own heart, holding myself up as it should be.

Sincerely,

B

Stories I am letting go of

Life is meant to be free – it really really is. It’s wild to think about and that’s because its so unknown. What is freedom? What is a free spirit?

 

We all are. That is what we were born to be, but how do we actually live that reality? By simply not knowing and knowing all at once. Knowing that it’s true and living in that truth but not knowing how to do it is how we do it.

Embracing the unknown. Damn I am really working on that so much these days.

And you know what I am realizing? Basically I have taken on many many fairy tales to quench my fear of the unknown. So I have basically allowed chapters of my story and full story books to be written based in and around falsities. Not lies, just things that I feel I should be doing or portraying based on my supposed identity in society.

I want to let go of these stories. Just toss them up in to the air and let them explode into energy that can be free to turn into something else.

The fairy tale that allows me to stay stuck in fear basically because of another fear – has to go.

 

It’s one of two things people… this is what I’m figuring out for myself – it’s either

 

Fear of not living up to the fairy tales we associate with, the identity that we are supposed to assume.

OR

Fear of the unknown.

 

Fear of not living up to these tales – means that we can predict for the most part the different ways that this outcome could lie. SO basically I can either live up to it, or not at all or somewhere in between – most of which are all outcomes I can imagine. So if I can imagine it then it is possible.

 

WHY now…. this is what I am asking myself – WHY would I want to spend all of my time trying to live out possibilities of a FAIRY TALE that I DON’T EVEN TRULY SUBSCRIBE TO just because I am afraid that something ABSOLUTELY incredible and unpredictable yet perfectly perfect could happen within the fear of the unknown?

 

Because the risk is HUGE – in the fear of the unknown – the possibilities are INFINITE – infinite possibilities that could be considered “good” but equally infinite possibilities that could be considered “bad”.

 

So I’ll just stick to the fairy tale of Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer – who pretends that she has the same training background as everyone else yet when things don’t happen as effortlessly as they appear to be happening for people around me I know why – because she just started learning to understand her body in that way as an adult (3 years ago really) NOT 25 years ago like she pretends to portray. – NOTTTT- this is a story I am letting go of – because within it I can imagine all of the possibilities of that but that keeps me STUCK in comparison and trying to be somewhere that I am not (yet) and it keeps me from embracing what is already a part of me.

Or Bianca Paige Smith – the dancer who could… but always has the excuse of her having surgery that left her with a right calf muscle that she can and can’t feel depending on the activity – and so that excuse prevents her from trying her best and is literally a crutch in her life. But it’s okay because at least she has that to lean back on when the self-loathing comes in about not being where she wants to be. NOOOOOOOOO thank you. As I type that I am like come on B… you know that if you want to embrace what’s within you, you have to just let these stories go. Your body is amazing and can really recover from anything, can do anything, and you are doing it. So go out there and do your dance… and if you fall out of things, your leg is getting stronger.

 

It’s a fear. It is a fear because the story of perfectionism has littered my life. And left me with the biggest headline of all

” I am not good enough”

because I have been chasing perfection my whole life.

 

The unknown is where I want to be – oh mannnn I could cry when I think about how amazing it could be. The possibilities are ENDLESS.

 

And this fairy tale – I am the perfect child, I am the one who keeps everyone happy, brings everyone together, born first, my job is to make sure everyone is okay – call everyone, visit the elders, host holidays.

 

WHO TELLS ME THIS STUFF – well I struggle – because I know a lot of it is learned through years of my life and also the rest is what happens when I internalize it all.

It is all me right now – and here is the thing I wish for myself above all – this is the story I want

 

Bianca Paige Smith – a free spirit of the world who has learned the skills of acceptance, forgiveness and letting go. An artist by nature, a human being whose energy reflects peace and openness. Her heart is open, she expresses herself through many artistic mediums, dance being one of them, where she is doing her best to embrace the possibilities of what she does not yet know. She does her best, she lives and loves unconditionally and she is her number one biggest supporter.

This is my clear vision. My dream.

Diving deep into the unknown. Ditching the pretending. Ditching the excuses.

 

The news is out – the headlines are in –

Bianca Paige Smith – YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

 

And so are you – if you are reading this – you are a free spirit. Dive into the unknown – we are meant to not know, that is why we are here.

Talk soon,

 

B-

Do you have the time…

Do you have the time to stop and wonder?

-Sarah Baker

I’m wondering about wondering now… meta-wondering. I am reading through a new magazine these days, it’s called Bella Grace magazine. My mom bought it for me and I think maybe she’s on to something. These people seem to be like me.

Sarah Baker asked me this morning – “Do you have the time to stop and wonder?”

That struck me big time. I wonder if I have the time to stop and wonder hahaha I think I do! And I think I do it very often.

But for me it’s not often enough with all of the other things that require me to create a life that keeps me in a home and allows me to experience things of value. Value being ascribed by money a lot of the times.

Wonder is priceless. Daydreaming is priceless.

People say sometimes to me… a daydream is just that – a dream and a goal is a reality.

But I say to them … the mind doesn’t actually know the difference between a daydream and a goal. It knows what you think about. And if you don’t direct it to the wonderings, to the daydreams, your mind will think anyway. Unless you have achieved enlightenment and you can have a life with no thought. A life with a mind as a passenger. That is the DREAM hahah! The absolute dream.

But anyway, do you have the time to stop and wonder…? Do you value the idea that your mind will think no matter what and perhaps you might be able to guide your thinking towards the things you wonder about, the things you would love in your life?

Indulge your senses every once in a while, by really being present. And allow your thoughts to be no more than ponderings, observances. See what happens.

This is something I like to do – I carry two stones in my jacket pockets for this reason alone.

Holding something in my hand focuses my mind on that thing. Which frees my attention to go elsewhere and create my thoughts a bit more carefully.

Can everything be going in the same direction all at once?

Another literary mentor of mine, Mark Nepo, wrote in this morning’s meditation about Straying. That straying from where we are to where we are thinking about creates a tension in our lives because our attention is now split.

Here’s to one focus. Here’s to fully living in where we are.

But B… what happens if we aren’t happy where we are?

FOR REALLL AMEN I HEAR YOUUUUUUU PREACH SISTAHS AND BROTHAHSSSSSS.

 

Seriously. I know.

Things can be tough, you are working jobs you don’t really wanna be in just to make money, you are not sure what you want to do with your life when everyone around you seems to just know this one thing they want or have an amazing set up in life with no complications.

 

All of these things are comparison. All of these things, I am learning… take me out of my attention and create tension. Split attention = tension.

Can we be, fully SO fully where we are that we are so grateful for this moment, enough to trust that because of that, the next moment can bring absolutely ANYTHING.

 

Think about this – how long does it take for an email to arrive in your inbox? If I send you an email at 8:45 you will receive it at 8:45.

In an instant. (Unless you are working with my gmail which has been feeling the pressure lately and maybe trying to monotask like me hahaha)

But honestly – that email could say – CONGRATULATIONS you have gotten that great thing you wanted to get, we are delighted to have you.

In an INSTANT. Right?

If we have the ability to relate to that in email, why can’t we trust that the Universe can deliver the same, in the fullness of each moment?

This is the catch – you have to REALLY be there. This is something I am really working on – if I can REALLY REALLY be in this moment, fully. All of my body, my mind and my spirit is here right now, what could happen?

 

When I was little, I think I’ve written about this before – I used to get tears in  my eyes when I would think about how exciting it is that anything could happen at any moment. The second I would do that my entire being would liven up -just super tuned in to what was going on around me. With the beautifully innocent expectation of miracles any second.

Well now I am allowing that innocence to transform to faith.

Can I now, believe that anything could happen at any moment with the beautifully faithful and loving gratitude of deserving it?

Let’s gooooo.

Talk soon,

 

B-

 

SKETCH ABOVE – by the talented Adriano Moraes

A savage and a sweetheart

She is an old soul with a new style,who wears black and speaks her mind. So powerful, she leaves her prints on everyone she touches because she is both: A Savage and a Sweetheart. – S. Menutt

I resonate deeply with this quote. Sometimes I feel more like a savage in my inner life and a sweetheart in my outer life. I want to flip the script.

I deserve more sweetness in my inner landscape. Practicing compassion and kindness with myself. Doing nice things for myself. Allowing myself the gift of patience and the luxury of time unplanned.

For me. And let that savagery out in the wild where it belongs – using it to chart my path unafraid and finding my pack.

Wolves are savage. Aren’t they? Fierce, Ferocious, Untamed.

Let’s gooooooo. Doesn’t that sound so freeing? Just a little bit more of that in my outer life please.

Finding a balance is not about taking out excess. It is about shifting excess in one realm to lack in another and vice versa. Balance is about giving a gift to one and receiving a gift of less, and on the other hand receiving a gift that fills a need.

Something like this anyway. My inner landscape is like … a gnarly jungle that has a forest in the middle that is so tree-covered and riddled with beautiful greenery. Doesn’t sound beautiful but it really is… so beautifully untamed in parts that it is really hard to know how to begin to enter and explore.

My outer landscape is composed… and suffering. My inner landscape is also suffering because the chaos that needs to be set free to be picked up by complimentary energies in the world is staying inside. It is stuck inside.

Everything is not about what it appears to be.

I used to avoid brushing my hair at all times. When I was a child my grandmother would beg me to brush my hair saying that I looked wild if I didn’t. I needed that.

I needed to just let my hair be what it was. Free and wild and growing beautifully on it’s own without being tamed or molded or even criticized. I admired it. Always.

Now I still don’t brush my hair, only in the shower. Only when I am taking time to cleanse, reconnect and recharge my energy in the shower do I tend to my hair in a way that makes me feel excited to see what happens when I get out and let my hair dry.

It’s these little wild things. The things that are meant to be swept up by the world, caught up in something beautiful and bigger than themselves. They must be set free from the inner landscape.

A little savagery in my outer life and just a little sugar on my self-talk, self-care, self love. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Balance. Why stand on one leg when you can stand on two?

Well darlings, it seems to me that standing on one leg is taking a chance that we are greater than the sum of our parts, greater than what we can see and sometimes, we need to take a chance to be swept up in something that we might never feel otherwise, without a little bit of ferocity and unruliness.

Talk soon,

B-