Okay honestly I think I’m about to spew what feels like decades of words on to this page. It’s really wild that it has only hit me lastnight/this morning how much information there is out there. That we are basically born into an information overload. Billions of temptations of things to learn, to experience, to know.
This is the time where I want to shut my mind off and let the words that are radiating at my fingertips come out. What I also realized is this – total duh moment for me maybe – or maybe I’m just judging myself and it’s not actually that much of a duh… but here it is – I realized that we are actually BORN as a wealth of information. We are born a wealth of information.
So yes there is a wealth of information in the universe and maybe I am caught up in having to know as much of that information as I can. Maybe? I have been. Totally caught up in everything outside of myself as if knowing all of that would help me to know myself better. It is a disease of being addicted to learning and consuming information. Hold on I need some music.
Something has to occupy my conscious mind so that I can let these words come out. DO you ever notice that about yourself? I choreograph my classes while I’m driving… dangerous? I’m not sure hahaha but I do it because basically my subconscious can be free to be creative while my conscious mind is focused on driving.
Is it possible to separate them in everything we do? Is it necessary? I find that I do it because they don’t quite go together yet. I bet they did. Have this knowing that when we were all born the consciousness was one. Not conscious and subconscious. But just a pure beautiful consciousness and expression of that through our human inheritance – love and abundance. How FLIPPING beautiful is that take me back.
Do you ever wonder what’s in there? I totally do. One because I know that there is so much in there that is basically a treasure chest to being able to live out my life the way I was designed to. And TWO because now I also know that nurture has influenced a lot of what has also been imprinted on to my subconscious. Whereas my print was … well no. I’m correcting myself as I write because this music is not engaging me HAHAH no B. No excuses.
Anyway back to this … We aren’t born blank slates. But we also are. We are not blank but we are pure. Clear – born with our imprint and the imprint is clean and it is full of potential for expression.
I’m still hurt by things that happened years ago. I still feel a bit unwell when I think about things that made me sick when I was younger. I still cringe when I think about embarrassing things that happened to me when I was a kid. And the one that affects me the most – I still feel angry when I think back to times when I was silenced. How could I possibly get caught up in the illusion that everything I need to know is outside of myself?
I have been mocking MYSELF through saying things like – how can people study all these things outside of themselves with the aim of mastering them if they don’t master themselves? HELLO BEEZY PICK UP THE SELF-MASTERY PHONE ITS BEEN RINGING OFF THE HOOOKKKKKKK.
Not many call me Beezy anymore. I gave that nickname to myself… people judged me for it but honestly here’s the story – when people become familiar to me they get nicknames and I cant help it. The nickname just comes out – it’s my way of showing love and of including them into my inner circle kind of thing. So … I like to think that at that point when I started calling myself Beezy I was beginning to feel a sense of familiarity with myself. I remember it happening some time around the first time I moved to Ireland.
Ironic? I think not. I haven’t called myself that in a while but I use it when I speak to myself in my writing. Ironic? I think not.
I read these things that say … do what makes you happy… follow what lights you up… follow your bliss… okay.
Back then – when Beezy first arrived on the scene – here was my list of my favorite things:
TA-DA! lolol Absolutely phenomenal. Still love those things. Plus these things light me up:
A nice hot drink (hot chocolate is not the only one believe it or not lol)
Meeting new people
Creating, making things
I’m still working on this list – because I am building my life with those things. I always have been you know? You probably have too… but I think we get caught up. I got caught up …. so so so caught up I was for about 10 years to be honest. The hammer came down and I started to question everything – “Was this person right when she said that I shouldn’t go to the beach tomorrow because it’s probably going to rain? Was she right when she said I better make sure that I call this person or call that person? Was that person right when he said that there was no point in getting that degree if I was just going to go and dance? Was this person right when she said I need to make sure I get a good job so I can get social security and benefits? Was that person right when she said I should probably just quit dancing because I come home crying so I must not even like it? Was this person right when he said money was made to be spent? Was he right when he said … when will I get to the point where I decide okay enough is enough? Was this person right when he said that no matter what you just need to have one person by your side who loves you? That you never want to get to a point where you realize you are all alone? Was this person right when she said – just go BB just go and get out of here do what you want? Was this person right when she said don’t set yourself up? Or do what makes you happy? Was everybody right when they said you know we do all of this because we love you? How did all these people influence me?”
It’s wild really but here I am. Last year this time right … I was SO down. So so down. I couldn’t look down any further I was so down. I didn’t know what the hell was going on with me and my life. I was blown away by how I felt because it felt like the culmination of some huge weight that was crashing down on me because I’d been holding it up for so long. When it crashed – I nearly lost my mind. I was borderline going insane trying to make a decision – a decision to run back to the life I had left behind or to stay and see what was being revealed to me through my pain.
I stayed. I figured out how to be with myself. By myself. And really be with myself. A year later I am figuring out how to be with everyone else and still be with myself. This is not easy sh*t people lol am I right?! But I am glad that I have figured out some of it.
Also I want to DO more I mean seriously I get sick of myself in my head so… and here is another thing I am done with – I wish I caught on to this with the whole Lent thing hahaha because I’d LOVEEE to completely eliminate the use of the word just from my vocabulary.
Scarcity mindset = despair = I JUST want to have xyz … I JUST want to feel xyz.
Do more. Do more beezy. This is what I keep saying to myself until I do it. Is it okay to say JUST do it? Not sure. But I make the rules so I suppose I will say it.
Just do it B.
If you want to do something then do it. If you want to be something declare it. If you want to see something then believe it. If you want to feel something then say it. We are pure creation.
How the hell did we get here? If you ever think about that and your connection to how you believe we got here – I have realized that no matter what you believe the story is something to do with being created by something or someone else whom we have never actually met. We just appeared.
Now I know biologically how babies are made but I’m talking the entire human race ya know? All of the living things on this wild planet – we were CREATED. Even babies – are created… grown… nurtured.
We are pure creation so let’s create then. If I don’t like what I am creating – I can create something else. But create is a verb right …. so that means you have to do something. But not do something so that you can be something. Do something so you can express what you already are. Do to be… not become. You already are. I already am. Enough.
I declare it. I am enough.